I will admit that the last 3 years have hands down been the biggest and hardest years of my life for many different reasons.
2017 changed everything about me and everything that I knew about myself up till that point. It changed who I was as a mom and as a wife, daughter and friend. The last half of my final pregnancy and the first 4 months of the year were truly some of the hardest of my life, riddled with so much uncertainty and fear of what lay ahead. Kennedy's birth was long and scary and the recovery was difficult and the shift from 2 kids to 3 was monumental for all of us. Everything changed and our easy-ish life became so much more difficult, not because she was a hard baby because she wasn't, just because I really wasn't prepared for how hard everything would feel after that. The massive responsibility I felt to care for everyone was really hard for me to handle. And it wasn't the physical work that felt hard, it was the mental toll it took to feel emotionally responsible for 3 lives now. It did, and still does, weigh very heavily on me as a person, knowing how much is riding on me being the best mom and example that I can. There is truly NOTHING in this life that matters as much to me as raising good kids that are going to be amazing self sufficient adults.
2018 was truly the hardest year that I can remember and not one that I hope to relive anytime soon. It was the year I returned to work and my life just felt so out of control. Kennedy was a VERY trying toddler and I was way out of my comfort zone with her and how to handle her on top of everything else I had going on in my life. She was so busy...and she screeched at EVERYTHING....was so hard to manage on top of all my responsibilities with work and the boys, etc. I wrote a blog post that summer about feeling like I had lost myself and how unhappy I was. People suggested that I had postpartum depression, and while I never went to the doctor for it, I just acknowledged my deep deep unhappiness and got up and got moving and made some changes that made my life feel easier. Kennedy got a bit older and easier to handle and by the time we said goodbye to 2018 I was feeling so much more positive about our future and ready to tackle a new year.
2019 was a year of change but also a year of contentment for me, after the broken year I had the year before. It was not perfect by any means and we have the same struggles as so many other people do, but we made it through it all together and for the most part, still smiling. Marriage is hard work for a lot of people, and we are no exception to that. We met so young and have been together since we were in our early 20's so while in a lot of ways we have grown up together, we've also sometimes struggled to deal with the inevitable changes that happen too as you grow up and mature and become a new version of yourself. We are still soldiering along and making it work, while raising 3 incredible kids along the way, which as everyone knows is certainly no easy task. 2019 was a tough year for me personally in recognizing who I've become and trying to find my place in the world that I function in with work, the kids school and sports teams, my own friendships, etc. I have a huge heart and so much love to give to those around me. I give a lot of myself to others that need me and sometimes say yes when I really should probably say no. I feel things deeply and often read into things when I shouldn't, which has led to hurt feelings and misunderstandings that I'm not able to express for fear of rejection. I want so badly to be accepted by others, and know that I care far too much if I'm not. I'm not everyone's cup of tea, and I know that. It's the acceptance of that and truly being okay with it that I am hoping to come to in this coming year as I approach turning the big 4-0 in 2021.
My hopes for 2020 are to really find myself and to reconnect in more meaningful ways with my kids and my husband. I want to put my phone down more and participate more with them. More family game nights, more skating and swimming afternoons, more reading with them, less photo taking and more participating. I want my kids to learn valuable lessons from me, and I want them to know that they are and always will be my favorite and most important things in the world. I want to spend more time on myself and my mental and physical health by committing to yoga classes and at least start some sort of somewhat regular physical activity, even if that's just a walk around the block. I've got to start somewhere and I am hoping by reconnecting with those around me and distancing myself from mindless scrolling that I will feel more useful than I have. That includes deleting the random games from my iPad and instead spend my evenings working on my blog and kids photo books. 2020 is also going to be the year that our house gets organized...and stays organized! Mark my words...I will be living more simply by the end of the year than I am now...and I'm really hoping that it brings me the sense of peace that I am so craving!
Watch out for the before and after photos of the basement transformation we are set to tackle in the coming 3 weeks. Wish us luck!
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