One of the hardest days and decisions of my life

You might have seen on my Facebook that we were taking our cat to the vet yesterday. Up until last month Coal had been eating normally and as far as we could tell was still his big happy lazy self at around 18 lbs. Now maybe it's because I was busy with the baby and life but I didn't notice that he had been losing weight over the past few months until the last few weeks I noticed that he wasn't eating or drinking much. We put him on the scale the other day and realized he was only about 12-13 lbs so called the vet and off we went.

Coal has always been an indoor cat in the 9 years we've had him and isn't a huge fan of many people except for me. He has been my loyal and loving companion and I have loved him from the day I brought him home to live with us when he was just 5 years old. We adopted him from my brother and he bonded with me from the very first day we had him. I fell in love with him and dreaded the day that we were told he was dying.

Well that day came yesterday. The vet said he is in kidney failure and sadly will not be around for long. We had the option to leave him at the vet for 2 days of IV fluids that may give him a few more months, or I could do IV "dialysis" at home (like I have time for that with two little ones at home with me!), or weekly visits to the vet to rehydrate him. Unfortunately Jim and I had spoken before the appointment and I know in my heart that as much as my heart is breaking that my kitty is dying, I can't bring myself to spend money to just keep him alive and prolong the inevitable.

We brought him home to live out the rest of his comfortable days with me snuggling him as much as I possibly can. As long as he continues to eat and drink and seems okay then I will keep him, but I strongly suspect that sooner rather than later I will make that dreaded drive to the vets office for the last time because I can't fathom watching him slowly deteriorate more than he already has. I am absolutely dreading telling James that his best buddy is sick but I am thankful that he's young enough that it won't phase him for long. I think I'm finding it especially hard right now because without Jim home I have found Coal to be even more comforting.

This is just one of those adult responsibility things that is just really shitty. I knew this day was coming with Coal being 14 years old and all but it is not something I want to deal with again for a long time. There will definitely not be more pets in our home for a long time, if ever. Maybe once our kids are older and we are in our own home with a yard we'll get a dog, but certainly never another cat. I've never even really liked cats, I only love MY cat and I will miss him terribly.

A favourite photo of me and Coal

I stressed myself right to the ER

Jim said it best when I answered my FaceTime from the hospital bed and he realized where I was..."well that didn't take long, just 3 days I've been gone and you are sick!"

In the past my body and my immune system has not reacted well to stress. Last year when I was all worried about a position at work I ended up there, and this time I think it was just a culmination of the past few weeks of not a lot of sleep, and a WHOLE LOT more responsibility in my new life.

I really honestly wasn't feeling super stressed out and had in fact had some pretty good days on Monday and Tuesday getting lots of accomplished and feeling more organized and ready to tackle my new roles as single Mama and as the sole resident manager of our strata.

I guess my body thought differently! I woke up on Wednesday morning at 5:30 after just a few hours of sleep and could tell within about a half hour how the day was gonna go. The nausea started and the stomach cramps. I got up at 8:30 and called my mom. She came to get the boys, I took a T3 and some Gravol, went back to bed and hoped for the best. Got up 3 hours later, got sick, ate some soup, had another nap, woke up again and got sick and realized that the day was just going downhill and from past experience knew very well that it would get much worse before it got better. I've never had an incident like this where I haven't had to go to the ER for fluids and at least some Gravol and/or morphine for the pain, and Wednesday night was no exception. Within a few hours of being there I was feeling much better with some saline in me and some Gravol to calm my tummy.

They can't and won't say for sure that it's my Crohn's disease back again, but I'm beginning to suspect that because I am feeling totally fine now 2 days later that it is in fact just the way my body deals with extreme stress, whether I am feeling it or not. Time to take a step back, prioritize and keep myself healthy so I can take care of my little munchkins while Daddy is away.

I truly could never have gotten through the past 2 days without my Mom and Dad. I knew James had spent too much time there when today in the grocery store he called me Nana! They have been absolutely wonderful in watching the boys when I was sick on Wednesday and on Thursday when I had strata work and my bookkeeping class I had to do. Without them I truly don't know what I would have done. Thanks again Nana & Papa, you two truly are the best and we couldn't have done it without you! 

My "friend" that came home with me on Wednesday night and stayed until 6 pm on Thursday, just in case the internist decided I should have IV steroids or a CT scan. I never heard from him so I had mom take it out last night before my class...holy shit did it ever hurt coming out! 

His flights are booked and he's really going

We've known for a while now that things were headed this way and unfortunately the time has come for Jimmy to go away to work. We are able to make ends meet with him at Modern and me on maternity leave but with winter layoffs coming we saw some lean and tough months ahead so we made the huge, life-changing, family-time-sacrificing decision for him to go away.

We talked about this possibility back when I was pregnant but I really wanted to wait till baby was here and a few months old before we talked about it again. So, when the opportunity presented itself that the company my uncle works for is hiring for a new project in Kitimat we decided to go for it. He applied on Sunday and we got the call on Monday morning to get things started. We had to gather some paperwork, he did a drug test on Friday in Courtenay, completed an online Construction Safety course and the final step was booking his flights. He will be working for Ledcor on a 20 in and 10 out rotation. The money is incredible and is really the only reason why we are making this huge decision. It's a massive change for Jim and lots of hard hours ahead and of course a big change for me and the boys too without Daddy being home with us every night.

He leaves PR on October 13 and will return somewhere around the beginning of November. With having 10 days off he will have at least 8 full days at home with us to do fun family stuff. When you look at the fact that most Dads out there only get to spend 8 days a month with their kids and in that time they have household stuff to do too I think this change could be great for us. Will we miss him when he's gone? Absolutely! But will me and my boys survive? Again absolutely we will. I know my parents are there to help and my Mom has encouraged us to make this change for quite some time by saying she is available to help when I need her. We will have some sad and lonely days I'm sure but we will make it through this. He is going away to make a better life for our family and for that I love him even more than I ever have. We are both making sacrifices to our quality of life in order to set our family up for a better future. I'm proud of us...and maybe a little bit scared too! There is a lot of "boy" and "Daddy" jobs around here that I rarely have to do...I think my days are gonna get a whole lot busier!

Our new purchases to get us through his time away. FaceTime is all set up and ready to go. Luckily James knows how to use it and will appreciate being able to see Daddy even if the hugs from me won't be the same!

Wish us luck in our new life adventures...and keep following along as I'm sure there will be even more funny stories and pictures to share!

He's moving on to his new room

I can't believe we are here already. Jordan is just about 4 months and we said that once we came back from housesitting at my parents that we would make the transition from bassinette in our room to his crib. I'm worried about how it will go as today Jordan woke up with his first cold and has been a bit fussy for most of the evening. I tried to put him to bed in his room after his 7 pm bottle and hoped/expected that as he normally would he would go to sleep and we would wake him around 10:30 or so for his dream feed. But it has definitely not been so easy tonight, he would not go to sleep until he was snuggled on the couch beside me. Once he was asleep I moved him to his crib and he woke up about an hour later and Jim is now attempting to feed him. We are again hoping he will be able to go to sleep for the night as he usually would at this time but the poor little guy is pretty stuffed up and coughing and is clearly not feeling like himself :o( Let's hope for a good night, and if not then I'll bring him into bed with me propped up in the nursing pillow as I did with James when he had his first cold. Let's hope for the best that that isn't needed!

** While waiting for the photos to upload Jim called for me because Jordy threw up his whole bottle, I'm guessing from a combo burp/cough that brought it all back up. Poor little guy is so congested and fussy. He's now asleep in Daddy's arms and I think it may turn into a night of sleeping sitting up in the chair in his room. Just another night as a Mommy. **

A daugther's worst fear recognized...

There is no easy way to write it, think about it, or talk about it, so here it is...my Mom found out this week that she has breast cancer. For a daughter like me who worships the ground my mother walks on, you can just imagine the pain that hearing this news caused me. She is of course upbeat and positive and now 3 days after learning about it and knowing a plan is in place, I can now say I am too.

I'm not gonna lie though, those first 2 days were some of the hardest of my life, fearing and thinking the worst, and wondering how the heck I was going to be able to be the supportive and positive person that she needs me to be during these tough times ahead. You see, anyone who knows me knows that she has always been MY rock, my support, my tell it like it is even if I don't like it person, and I know although she will still continue to be this person, it's time for me to step up and be that person for her too. I am no longer a kid, I am a grown adult child that has a parent with cancer. I am by no means the first of course and sadly won't be the last, however, now is my time to show those people that may doubt that I can handle it, that I can and will be who my Mama deserves for me to be.

Over the years I have often thought about how the numbers and odds were definitely stacked against our big family. With 2 parents, 10 kids, and 10 grand and great grandkids, there was a whole lot of chance in this day and age of someone ending up with cancer. I would be sad no matter who it was in my family that was affected by it, but also can admit that I bet that hearing it was my Mom was probably the hardest one for me to bear. From the day I was born she has been the one to hold me, love me, care for me, teach me right from wrong and show me what being a good person, wife and mom is all about. She is an incredibly strong woman in every way and I know in my heart that she will beat this 100%. I no longer fear the outcome as I just know there is no other option, for her, for me or for the rest of our family. We will face this challenge together, and we will beat this thing together!

Please don't feel that you need to apologize or say that you are sorry to hear about this, just send your positive thoughts my Mom's way and keep her in your prayers in the coming weeks and months.

A favorite photo of my Mom taken at their annual friends
and family garage sale in 2012

 

And my favorite photo probably ever taken of us together,
just after James's 1st Birthday Party

No chance to say goodbye - Grandma Tracy (January 1958 - March 2013)

This is such a very sad post and I'm heartbroken to even have to write it, but also want people to know at the same time.

We returned home on Sunday afternoon to a message from Jim's brother Tom to call him. A few minutes later our world was changed forever with the terribly sad news that his the boy's mother, and James's wonderful loving grandma, had passed away sometime in the last day. It came as a huge shock to us as Tracy was only 55 years old and as far as we know she had been in good health. At this time we aren't sure exactly what happened, we just know that the sad reality is that she's gone.

Jim immediately started gathering some stuff to head to Nanaimo for the week to take care of her affairs. I know that this has got to be one of the hardest things he has ever had to deal with, and hopefully will have to deal with, in his whole life. He is such a strong man and I know that even though he may feel overwhelmed by it all, that he will do his whole family proud and take care of what he needs to in the wake of her untimely death.

Although Jim and Tracy had certainly had a troubled relationship over the years, things had drastically improved between them since James was born. She had lived a troubled life but had recently really made an effort to change her circumstances. Being a Grandma was very important to her and she was ready and willing to make sacrifices to do that in the best way that she could. Just a few short weeks ago she called Jim on a Sunday afternoon to proudly tell us that she had just recently passed her first 30 days of sober living. She had been attending AA and was proud of the life she was now living and had waited to tell us until she knew she had hit that first important milestone. Jim and I had never been more proud of her and we were both really looking forward to seeing these changes in person this coming weekend for our planned visit. I am saddened we won't get to see the new Tracy, but will also always remember that she had finally taken the steps we had hoped she would in the years before.

Tracy absolutely cherished James and was very much looking forward to being a Grandma again in May. Jim and I loved seeing her interact with James and when she would phone to talk to us you could always hear the love and joy in her voice when he called her by name and recognized who she was. When we would visit with her in Nanaimo she would actively play with James at the park or color pictures with him in the restaurant. She tried hard to be a good Grandma and Jim and I know it was a role she took very seriously.

As we move forward in the coming weeks and try to figure out a way to tell our not quite 3 year old that Grandma Tracy is gone, we will always have the memories of the hours she did get to spend with James in his almost 3 years of life. And luckily because I am a huge picture taker, there are certainly many photos to remember her by.

Here are some of the ones I could find of her from over the years.

Rest in Peace Tracy, we will miss you, remember you, and promise that our kids will always know who their Grandma Tracy was.

Jim & Tracy - 2005

Tracy with Grandpa, Auntie Bonnie and Uncle Russ - 2005

Our Wedding - August 2007

Tracy meets James for the first time - June 2010

Christmas time visit - December 2010



James's 1st Birthay Visit - April 2011

Breakfast with Grandma - Spring 2012

 

Fall visit - November 2012



James was playing on my iPod this morning and came across this video so I decided to update the blog post and include it as well because it is a video that we all love. Just now he was laughing his little head off watching it.

The Ugly, The Bad and The Good

I know this is the opposite to the real saying but I've decided to write this blog with the crappy stuff first and finish off with the good stuff!

The Ugly
We finally resorted to taking our computer to the local company that was great to us before because the friend we bought it from couldn't tell for sure what the problem was. So, today they called with the ugly news. Best case scenario is it's just the inverter and the cost is around $200 to fix. Worst case scenario is that it's not that but is actually the screen that needs to be replaced, so add another $200 - $250 to that cost, so in the end it could cost us almost as much to fix it as what we paid for it in the first place :o(  Totally brutal and not an expense that we need right now with me going on maternity leave, but what do you do?! All I can say is lesson learned to not buy second hand to save some money. Better to save up and buy brand new. For the cost of the laptop and the repairs we could have bought a brand new computer. Let's hope that once this repair is done that this computer ends up being all that I had hoped it would be when I agreed to buy it, because if it isn't I will feel even more terrible than I do that we spent that kind of money on something that we shouldn't have.

The Bad
This one isn't so much a bad, as it is a sad. Today was my last day in my current position at The Peak. Starting on Monday my maternity replacement starts full-time so I will be in training/watching mode while she takes on the job for my last 3 weeks. As happy as I am to be almost done work and ready to be off spending time with James before baby arrives, I am also really sad to leave The Peak. I love my coworkers and my boss very much and will miss my favorite customers. The saddest parts of the day included cleaning off my desk and desktop and by far the hardest was changing my email signature block to not be my name anymore. For the next 14 or so months I'm going to take on my most important role of my life...stay at home wife and Mommy...and I can't wait....but in the meantime I have to pull off the band-aid and just let go a little bit of my control side and let my replacement do the job and help out however I can.

The Good
Now in amongst the really crappy and the sadness of the day there were some really great parts of today too. One was that I had a really great productive day at work. Unfortunately my coworker Maegan was off sick today with a cold, but that meant that I got to do some different work today by doing her job which I really like to do when it's just for a day here and there! It was the kind of day that went quickly and made me remember why I really do like being a working Mommy. Next up at 5pm was a wonderful pregnancy massage that my boys had given me for my birthday. There is very little I love more than an awesome massage and tonight was no exception. From there my boys picked me up and we were off to the mall for me to get a haircut at my sisters salon. For anyone reading that doesn't know...my sister owns Split Endz Salon in the mall here and she is an amazing stylist, so lucky she is in my family and that she loves me so much!
And last but certainly not least we headed to my parents house for James to have his bath, get into PJ's and wait for his Reimer cousins to show up for their Spring break visit :o) James really loves his cousins and talks about them for the months between their visits here and we are really looking forward to spending some quality time with them this weekend!

Plans for the weekend include visits with friends and family...Jim's going out to a friend's house for UFC and steak/lobster supper...and quite possibly the thing I'm MOST excited about....MY NEW WASHER AND DRYER ARRIVE TOMORROW! Woohoo! Sad how excited I am about that but I really am! Will probably post pics of them tomorrow!

That's all for tonight...sending a great big thank you to my good friend Michele who so kindly lent us her laptop while ours is being fixed! I really appreciate it beccause trying to update this blog on my iPod is kind of a pain in my ass!

Happy Weekend Everyone!

What a bummer

Another blog post from my iPod because even though I got my computer back from my friend it's still not fixed even after two reformats. The last time this happened the reformat worked but this time no such luck. The computer is still useable but the font is fuzzy and hard to read so awkward to use for more than a few minutes. Looks like our next step is to take it to someone else to look at it. My friend who we bought it from is great and is trying everything to figure out the problem which I totally appreciate but it really does just suck and I'm just super bummed out about the whole thing. Hopefully the fix will be something small in the end once we figure out what the problem is.

For now I'm going to bed to cause I'm super crabby...and definitely ready for this week to be over!!

Had hoped to put up a new post but...

tonight after backing up and updating my iPod and Microsoft programs the computer is once again dark and the screen is fuzzy :o(

My friend who sold it to me has done all that she can in trying to determine what the problem is but unfortunately nothing has worked to permanently fix it. She's done at least 2-3 complete system reboots which have resulted in having to reinstall everything again which is time consuming and frustrating.

Not sure what the problem is but just super bummed out about it. Maybe I'll try to work through it tomorrow but for now I'm going to bed.

I guess we are in the 1% :o(

Well the diagnostic report came back from the Staples EasyTech report and apparently their 99% success rate will not be applying to our poor external hard drive.

Imagine my shock last night when I get home and find a message from Staples. I was told it would take 10-14 days for the diagnostic report. I happily phone back expecting/hoping to hear that there was only Level 1 damage to my files and they would be easily recovered for the $199 that I talked about with the girl here at the store.

Now imagine my shock and horror when the poor guy on the other end of the line told me that it was a total mechanical failure of the hard drive so they classed the damage at Level 4....with another basic diagnostic fee of ....... $1,139.......to hopefully recover the files (still no guarantee). I feel sorry for the guy as I kind of shouted and could feel myself tear up when he said it knowing that those files are now lost to us but also relieved that now I know and can move on and download the files I do have saved and move on...and never let this happen again. I tearfully told him to just please have the external sent back to the store and I will exchange it for a new one. Thank god I bought the $10 replacement plan!

Tough lesson learned for sure...BACK UP YOUR FILES PEOPLE! I laid in bed this morning saddened about the great photos I took of James this Christmas with my Auntie Karen and Uncle Ron and at our friends Christmas party of our friends little guy Jaxon, but have to be relieved yet again that at least some of those memories are saved in our 2012 calendar...and as my friend Sarah reminded me yesterday, the rest are stored in my heart and head as my memories, and I will always have those, no matter what technological devices fail me in the future.

So, moving on from that, I am PUMPED to show you a picture of my new love....my new-to-us 17" Mac Book Pro laptop that we bought from a coworker and friend. I so appreciate that she sold it to us as she knew how much I love Mac products but knew we were years away from being able to buy one brand new. For now I am just so excited to have a reliable computer again!

Here's a picture of my new baby...all hooked up and syncing/updating my Ipod! I love it!

How much are your memories worth to you??

When I dropped the external hard drive off at Staples the other day I paid the $60 diagnostic fee with a gulp of regret for not backing the photos up. Then the girl tells me that the quote for the data recovery will not be based on how much I have to recover, but on the level of damage to the files. The lowest rate possible is a whopping $199, which includes ALL of my data backed up onto a new 500GB external hard drive. Now here's the quandary I'm in, I only need 3 months of photos total off of it and I hate to pay that much money for the small amount of photos I need!

The other thing is that I am worried that if I go ahead with the data recovery and they have to go into my hard drive that that will make the replacement plan warranty null in void and I won't be entitled to a new 1TB hard drive. I will make sure before I go ahead with the recovery work that I will be guaranteed a replacement hard drive, or I may have to make the tough decision to just not bother with the retrieval and it's not worth my money to end up with a smaller hard drive in the end.

At this point all I can do is sit and wait for the quote...and then take the plunge, take another big gulp and pull out the debit card to pay for the data recovery. I know I will NEVER ever let this situation happen again to me. I will from now on ALWAYS have my photos backed up in more than 1 spot at all times.

hhhhmmmm...it doesn't look good for the pictures...

So I went to Staples yesterday and they were less than helpful, just basically told me to come back today and talk to someone else. I understand not having a technician there on a Sunday but still frustrating that when I did go back today the girl wouldn't do anything. That would have been nice to be told yesterday that no technician work is done on site for this kind of thing!

I then took it to the same local company that helped me out with my computer last time and they weren't 100% sure they would be able to open the hard drive and actually get the information off it so chose not to leave it with them. So, my only option at this point is to send the external hard drive away through the Staples Easy Recovery program and hope for the best that they can recover the photos from it. The sucky thing is that it's only 3 months worth of photos that I want, but those photos include Halloween, our November Nanaimo trip and of course Christmas :o(

I keep telling myself that it's not the end of the world and it could be a lot worse, but right now I'm just bummed out! I know some of the photos are backed up on Shutterfly from October and November but only about 20 from December. Oh well, looking up and won't make the same mistake again! From now on, all photos will be backed up in no less than TWO places!

I'm hoping for the very best that our precious photos can be recovered for us...but going to keep a positive attitude even if they can't.

No picture today for the blog because literally every single picture I have is on that one external and although they are on the other one I don't want to hook it all up right now to upload one, so it's a photo free post.

TOMORROW'S POST: Two pictures and telling you about our 20 week ultrasound we had today :o)

Oh no, not again!

Yesterday morning I sat down to write my 20 Weeks post and of course had to use my external hard drive to access the picture of Jim and I that I used so I plugged it into the computer, uploaded it to the site, finished the post and closed the computer. I left the external plugged in as I often do and went on to do something else. I went back to the computer a few hours later, however, when I moved the laptop to my lap the external fell about 2 feet and hit the floor! It didn't hit hard by any means, but of course when I attempted to access the external again NOTHING happened! Doesn't show up in the My Computer box as it usually does, although the blue light does come on and I can hear a buzzing kind of noise that lasts for 10 seconds or so and then stops. So, off I go to my parents house and see if it will show up on their computer (as ours is dying and wasn't sure if maybe it was just my USB ports) and still nothing!

My only saving grace in all of this is that luckily I have almost all of the photos on it backed up on my old external hard drive...and this one is only 3 months old so hopefully they will be able to retrieve those 3 months for me. I also luckily found my receipt and my replacement plan for the external so back to Staples I go today in hopes that they can retrieve the photos and replace the external for me. The really crappy part about it is that the only photos I really haven't done anything with are the ones from Christmas! The other ones I know I put in an album for Jim's Dad and in our family calendar so at least I know that not ALL of our family memories from those 3 months are lost.

I am an absolute fanatic about my photos and thankfully will from now on always have 2-3 places that I keep my photos. I had a friend on FB suggest keeping my photos on zip drives as well as the external hard drives. I think my plan is to buy a few smaller ones for the early years and then save all of my photos and documents onto zip drives and put them in my parents safe so that I know that no matter what my memories will never be lost. Then I just have to remember to keep updating everything when I upload my photos so none are ever lost.