Time stands still

 This pretty lady was 23 and had her whole life ahead of her. In a happy relationship, about to finish school and start her new career. She was happy and hopeful and looked beautiful on this day. Had lots to learn and lots of growing up to do. A kind and loving woman who was trying to figure out who she was.

This pretty lady - more than 20 years later - now 44 and has had a great life. Very blessed with 3 amazing kids and a strong family support system. Had many happy years with the father of her kids and made so many memories doing fun things together. Has an amazing career she really enjoys all these years later. She is going through a tough time right now, but is determined to make the most of this next chapter of life and find true peace and happiness. 

I try to take photos with my kids on my birthday. Here are two I could find - this was 2020.

And this year - 5 years later.

Motivation Monday - My Reasons

Words to live by in this season of life.

Every day I get up and try my best. Some days I get lots done and I meet everyone's needs and demands, and on some days I just barely get through the day. People ask me almost every day how I'm doing and I always say, I'm surviving. 

I look forward to the day (hopefully in the near future) where I can say that we are all thriving. We aren't there yet, but I have hope that we will get there.

These 3 have my whole heart. One day I will write about each of them and how incredible they are. Those that know and love them are lucky. Every day I feel lucky to be their Mom. I realize I don't share nearly enough photos of them, so here they are.

Learning how to do the clock at hockey...and killing it! A job that many adults are afraid to do and this little lady sat down and was a rockstar at it.

Our bronze medal winning boy! Played an incredible home tournament with his 13C team. One more away tournament next week in Comox and then hopefully the Stars one in town at the end of March and then his season will be over. 

Our biggest guy with his D partner and buddy Carson at the hot dog sale yesterday. His smile just warms my Mama heart.

And one of all 3 just because - Super sweet moment captured yesterday! Teaching sister how to play baseball so she's ready when her season starts in a few weeks. Yes, for the first time ever, all 3 Barrows will be playing baseball so our evenings from April - June will be jam packed.

 

More than 6 years later I'm finding myself again

I wrote a very powerful blog post in August 2018. It was all about how hard I had found the transition from 2-3 kids and how in the year after Kennedy was born how truly lost I felt. It was called Somewhere along the way I've lost myself.

When I go back and read that post now, I am filled with so many what if's. What if I hadn't ever found peace again? What if I'd left my marriage back then? What if I'd struggled even harder in the years that followed?

But in the end I'm choosing to focus on what I have done in the years since I wrote that post. In the years that followed I grew so much and changed so much of who I was. I got stronger emotionally and physically. I found myself drifting away from friendships that didn't feed my soul anymore. I started putting myself first more often. I started walking nearly every single day. I hiked with my family whenever we got a spare afternoon together. I saw things I never thought I'd see of our back country. 

I started falling in love with who I was, once I stopped  being only a wife and a mom. I realized I was so much more than Jim's wife and James/Jordie/Kennedy's mom. I was me and I was pretty great. 

Some of Jim and I's best years were between 2019 and 2022. We truly found a new lease on our relationship and we had lots of fun and laughter and amazing shared memories with our kids. We camped, we watched a lot of hockey, we played lots of crib. We renovated our townhouse at the end of 2018, then sold the townhouse and bought my parents home in mid 2021. I had a renewed hope of a forever future.

Then 2023/2024 hit and things started to look and feel different. Our kids were all in school full time, I was very busy working 3 jobs that I enjoyed and was volunteering a lot with PRMHA, all with Jim's support along the way. Our kids were very busy in sports and school and we just somewhere along the way lost our path together. We continued to grow in different directions and seemingly saw our futures differently.

When I saw the end of my marriage coming in the fall of 2024, I knew that 2025 was going to be the hardest year of my whole life, and I am ready to tackle it head on to get to the great part that lies ahead for all of us. 

But even in saying that, this past week hit and I felt a ton of stress and pressure and knew burnout was upon me. I desperately needed a break. I needed quiet and peace and sleep. I needed to just be me for a few days. To not have to talk to anyone. To eat when and what I wanted. To sleep in with no one waking me up. To watch what I wanted. I just really needed space and time alone. So, I took it. 

I rented a beautiful Airbnb in Parksville and I went from Friday at 8am until 3:30 on Sunday. Came back just in time to work my shift tonight. 

When I say I came back refreshed, I mean it. So much time spent reflecting on my past and thinking about my future. I walked on the beach, sat at Starbucks, relaxed in the bathtub, watched a new season of a Netflix show I loved, ate what I wanted, slept a lot and just generally enjoyed rediscovering who I am. I truly feel like I'm on this new path of self discovery to finding myself again, and I really like who I'm seeing in the mirror. 

Today on the beach I snapped this photo and although I don't love it, I do love the smile and how truly happy and content I felt when I took it.

Here are more photos from my incredible weekend!

Mamas - or really anyone - if you feel burned out...do something for yourself. Even if it feels selfish and you feel guilty. Just do it. I feel like this weekend was life changing for me and I am so glad I went. 

We are still committed to being a family

I know that many people won't understand why I feel the need or desire to write a post like this, but in my heart it's what I need in order to move forward. It's about living my truth and who I am.

Some will say it's for attention, but to me it's really not. It's about being my authentic self and sharing the thoughts that are on my heart about this very painful topic. It's how I feel I will move forward in my own healing. If you don't respect that, that's okay. I'm not writing it for you, I'm writing it for me.

On January 1st, Jim and I made the incredibly painful decision to separate after almost 22 years together. Almost exactly half of our lives.

I remember seeing a post like this quite a few years ago from a couple and I remember thinking how great it was that they were just open and honest. Our town is painfully small and the rumor mill is sometimes awful. I'm hoping by putting my own words here that there will be no more questions or rumors floating around. I've had the same discussions so many times over the last 6 weeks; every time someone new finds out that we are no longer together. I get being curious (I usually am too), but I admit that being on this side of it is hard and I'm hoping that those that do still have questions will feel comfortable to come to me and ask, rather than talking about me behind my back.

I'm open to talking about it as I feel that not enough people do. Marriage is hard, separation is hard...it's all hard and I appreciate real honest conversations over people speculating. I'm not ashamed of this decision and if you have questions, ask me...but also know that I have randomly started crying a few times so this is your warning now. And if you offer me a hug, I guarantee I'll take it😊

As I'm sure anyone reading this can understand, this decision did not come without a lot of hard discussions about what we both want for our future, and truly with our kid's best interests at heart.

Through all of these big life changes; James, Jordie and Kennedy will continue to be our main focus. They will always matter more than anything else and we are both committed to that.

We've tried hard over the last few years to make our marriage work, and the last 6 months brought some big realizations that simply put, we just aren't each other's person anymore. I believe that there is still a lot of love for one another as the mother/father of our children, but we just aren't in love anymore. There are so many things that we still love about each other and there are many fun moments that we are still able to share together too. On many days we still very much enjoy each other's company and as you can imagine that has made this decision that much harder to come to.

Anyone who has been where I am likely knows how truly heartbreaking of a realization that is, especially when there isn't a lot of hate and anger involved. Instead there is just a lot of sadness and regrets and deep wishes that things had gone differently. Even though in my heart I know I tried, it still feels like a failure any time I think about it. I wanted more for my kids, but sometimes in life this is just how it goes and I can accept that. Both Jim and I came from divorced parents and we had hoped our kids wouldn't; but we also don't believe in staying married just for the sake of our kids either. We both want more for our lives than that and truly believe our kids deserve more than that too. I want to show them all the happiest and healthiest versions of both Jim and I. That is what I feel they deserve, even if this is a painful time for us all to get through.

I believe that both Jim and I amazing human beings who have grown and changed a lot in our years together and sadly we've just grown in different directions. We met at 22 and truly and honestly, we grew up alongside each other. We had many many great years together, but also some really hard years too. We navigated a lot of challenging things over our time together. A chronic illness for me with hospitalizations, surgeries and sickness, etc, a big move for Jim away from his whole family to live closer to my family, a wedding, buying our first home together, countless job changes and education opportunities, camp work for Jim and being away when our boys were little, a few new careers, welcoming a third baby in a complicated and scary pregnancy and delivery, a global pandemic, the sale of our first home and the purchase of our dream home, ridiculously busy and complicated kid's and volunteer schedules, and so many other ups and downs.

I don't think anyone enters into this chapter of life without feeling like there is more to life ahead. I have the best of hopes that Jim and I can continue to be great friends through our next 10 years of co-parenting. We are committed to raising our kids together and we both feel that as long as we focus on how much we love them and try not to focus on the hurt feelings between us, that our kids will always win out in the end. I hope to be playing crib with Jimmy for many years to come. It's the best way that we connect and I really hope that there are so many more games to be played in our future.

These family photos were taken just a few days before Christmas. We had already seriously discussed separating but didn't want to tell the kids until the new year. When I look at these photos I will always remember that they were our last ones as an official married family...but in saying that, I really hope that in the years to come we will take many more family photos together. 

I truly believe in my heart that Jim and I have the ability to be best friends who raise our kids together. It is our goal and our best hope. 

I'll share another post soon with the rest of the photos!

For now, and if you got this far and you're wondering because I know it's the number one question I've been asked when people find out about our separation...where are we both going to live? Our goal and hope for now is to share our home so we both continue to have daily access to our kids. We are very fortunate that our home has two fully self contained suites in it. Kennedy and I's bedrooms are upstairs and all 3 of the boys bedrooms are downstairs. The basement suite has all of the same amenities as the upstairs does, just on a smaller scale. It's got a full kitchen, good sized living/dining room, laundry room and two bathrooms. It will be an adjustment for all of us but we are doing all that we can to do what's best for our kids and for now, this is it. Who knows what the future holds for the Barrows family, but we knew we had to at least try this living arrangement before making the very painful decision to sell our home and live separately and share the kids. As I said above...It is our goal and our best hope💗

I found myself apologizing to my boys and it was a very powerful moment for me

I'm posting this photo because when I see it, it makes me think of a moment on our vacation to Texada that I want to share about here so I never forget about it. 

A few days after this photo was taken I was on the beach again sitting just like this but without my phone, just playing in the sand with my kids surrounding me. We were laughing and I was loving our time together. We had spent time running in the water and splashing around and then we had settled on the beach and they were burying me in the sand. 

We were talking about how much fun we were having while on vacation and it was then that I had a huge AHA moment where I looked at my boys and said....

"I'm sorry that I wasn't this mom when you guys were Kennedy's age"

It hit me like a ton of bricks in that moment, that when they were little I almost NEVER put on a bathing suit and went to the beach with them. Of course I did other stuff with them like going to playgrounds and baseball tournaments, but I never remember ever being with them like THIS. I told them that I wished that I had been a better mom to them and been able and willing to make myself uncomfortable to give them a better childhood.

You see, back then, I was the mom that just took all the photos instead of actually PLAYING with my kids. I was in my own head about what I looked like and felt like and was just never comfortable in my skin. We never walked anywhere just for fun, we didn't hike or ride bikes or go on adventures. We sat in our house and played board games and watched movies. I was overweight and really out of shape and any physical activity made my uncomfortable. My skin would itch and I would be out of breath really quickly and it embarrassed me horribly. 

That moment on the beach was so very heartwarming for a few reasons. The best for me as a mom was that both James and Jordan took in what I said and then looked at me with so much love and compassion and said "it's okay Mom" and I know in my heart that they can see the new me for who I am now. They are experiencing the new mom in other ways than just playing at the beach. I know they see the changes I've made in the past 4 years and I know they appreciate the more active mom that I am now. We regularly go on walks together, we ride bikes when we're camping, we paddleboard, we swim (another thing I only ever did at the pool a few times a year), we hike to waterfalls and explore new trails whenever we can. 

Here we are on one of our hikes along the nature trail at Shelter Point! 

The second reason that the moment mattered so much is that it opened up a conversation between all of us about being active and doing our best at everything in life. I felt like in that moment Kennedy really connected with me and got a sense as to how lucky she was to be getting the mom that she has. We talked about the past and the future and all the amazing ways that we can be active and spend time as a family. But the best part was a few weeks later we were somewhere (maybe a family dinner?) and I heard her relaying the story to someone about how mommy had apologized to the boys for not being the mom that I am to her now. It meant the world to me that I knew that she really got what that conversation on the beach that day was all about. 

My goal in being her mom is no different than being the boy's mom, but I just view it a bit differently. My role for all 3 of them feels so different on any given day. I parent them all so similarly and so differently too. They all need different things from me and I really try very hard to give them all that they need, even if some days it leaves me feeling so completely overstimulated, over touched and with very little patience for them or time for me.

This year I've forced myself to put on the bikini and just roll with it. I never want my girlie to be ashamed of her body the way that I have been, so I'm showing her that women at ANY SIZE can and SHOULD wear the bikini. There are still many ways that I would like to change my body and work at being fitter and stronger, but there is no sense or comfort in covering it up until that day comes. I am trying hard to love the body that I see in the mirror for all that it has given me. I don't love it all every day, but I sure do try to show up in this world as the best person that I can be, on the inside and the outside.   

I'm not proud of every word I say or action I do with my kids (I know I screw up plenty) but in the whole general sense of my life, I feel like I'm doing a pretty damn good job with these tiny humans of mine. They are all friendly and funny and overall kind human beings. The one thing I try to remember to tell them every single day is to BE A GOOD HUMAN! 

I know I've worked really hard to improve myself over the past 4 years and knowing that they see it is truly all that matters. When I am done raising them, all I can hope is that they look back and know I always had their back and loved them no matter what....even if I wasn't the mom that played on the beach all those years ago.

Funny Friday ~ I couldn't wait to have a daughter to take cute pictures with....

And this is what I got...

This kid KILLS me every single day. She says the craziest things and never hesitates to give you the finger if she feels its appropriate. I'm not going to lie, I'm terrified of the teen years with this kid! Hahahahahahah

Just wear the bikini

I am 42 years old and I've finally done it and I'm damn proud of myself. I finally got comfortable enough with my body insecurities and put on a damn bikini! This was the year that I just decided to do it and I'm glad I did.

While I don't always love the image I see of myself in the mirror, I am content and proud of the body that I am living in. This body deals with a chronic illness that has good days and bad, it grew and birthed 3 tiny humans, had 5 open abdomen surgeries (appendectomy, bowel resection, 2 lower c-sections and 1 large belly button to pubic bone c-section/hysterectomy) and has been my comfort and support through many weight gains and losses. It is stronger than it's ever been and genuinely loves and craves physical activity.

The me of 5 years ago never would have felt that a daily walk was an important part of my routine, the me now rarely goes a day without a walk. I live a very busy life, so sometimes all I can manage in a day is 15-20 minutes, but other days I find or make the time to do an hour and I love it. I take what time I can for myself because I've realized how much of a positive impact it has had on my mental and physical health in the 2+ years that I've been walking regularly. When I think back to all of the years that I had small kids, I do wish that I'd had the motivation that I do now as I bet my body would be much healthier and fitter than it is now. But I don't live with the regret, I just live in gratefulness that I've adopted a much healthier lifestyle now than I had for all of those years. It took me till I was almost 40 to realize that I didn't want to wake up at 60 still sitting on my couch every day doing nothing! 

Whew...I took a lot of deep breaths as I added these photos and while I don't love them and could pick them apart if I tried, I'm not going to. I'm going to hit publish proudly and have these memories to look back on forever!