Just wear the bikini

I am 42 years old and I've finally done it and I'm damn proud of myself. I finally got comfortable enough with my body insecurities and put on a damn bikini! This was the year that I just decided to do it and I'm glad I did.

While I don't always love the image I see of myself in the mirror, I am content and proud of the body that I am living in. This body deals with a chronic illness that has good days and bad, it grew and birthed 3 tiny humans, had 5 open abdomen surgeries (appendectomy, bowel resection, 2 lower c-sections and 1 large belly button to pubic bone c-section/hysterectomy) and has been my comfort and support through many weight gains and losses. It is stronger than it's ever been and genuinely loves and craves physical activity.

The me of 5 years ago never would have felt that a daily walk was an important part of my routine, the me now rarely goes a day without a walk. I live a very busy life, so sometimes all I can manage in a day is 15-20 minutes, but other days I find or make the time to do an hour and I love it. I take what time I can for myself because I've realized how much of a positive impact it has had on my mental and physical health in the 2+ years that I've been walking regularly. When I think back to all of the years that I had small kids, I do wish that I'd had the motivation that I do now as I bet my body would be much healthier and fitter than it is now. But I don't live with the regret, I just live in gratefulness that I've adopted a much healthier lifestyle now than I had for all of those years. It took me till I was almost 40 to realize that I didn't want to wake up at 60 still sitting on my couch every day doing nothing! 

Whew...I took a lot of deep breaths as I added these photos and while I don't love them and could pick them apart if I tried, I'm not going to. I'm going to hit publish proudly and have these memories to look back on forever!

A scary flashback Friday

A memory from 8 years ago. 

As a family this is still one of the biggest near misses we’ve ever had. Whenever I think about how bad this could have turned out I cringe and then feel grateful that he escaped with no serious injuries. We were very lucky that day! 

From then to now - This is Us

In honour of Family Day I saw a friend on IG shared all of her family photos in order and it was really cute to see her family grow and change over the years, so I decided to do the same here on my blog. 

Our family began back in August 2007

Early 2010 about to welcome our first little one. Such love and joy and anticipation in this photo!

April 2010 - Our first love, baby James with all the awesome hair!

Late 2010, James was around 6 months here

Fall 2011 - 18 months and the love of our lives

Fall 2012 and just barely (and still secretly) pregnant with baby #2

May 2013 and only weeks away from welcoming baby #2

May 2013 - welcome to the world Jordan Douglas!

Fall 2013 and our first (of many) photo shoots with Jenn Parkin

Fall 2014 and the skinniest I've ever been since having kids! 

Fall 2015 - We'll call this the year of Jim's bad hair. He was growing it out to surprise me with a perm! hahahahahaha....even he admits his hair was awful at this stage, but it was all part of the plan!

Fall 2016 and we had just found out I was pregnant with baby #3 and we were still keeping it a secret from everyone!

Spring 2017 and about to welcome our 3rd and FINAL baby...this time our little girl!

April 2017 - Welcome Kennedy Joanna

Late summer 2017 - Attempting some nicer weather family photos...this was literally the only picture where Kennedy even kind of smiled. Definitely taken just a few weeks too early!

Late Fall 2017 - So we waited a few months and then did Jenn's box session and LOVED it. Captured the smiles we were hoping from our now sitting on her own and super smiley Kennedy!

December 2017 - This was the year of SO many photo shoots - this photo was taken during the big Parry/Reimer/Lundy/Barrows/Garrett/Pollard/Wasylovich family photo shoot at Christmas time.

2018 - Whew what a year that one was...all around a tough one for us, but this photo signifies the end of a huge project for us. We did our photos in our brand new kitchen!

2019 - Another year, another box session...but this year we finally did the Christmas pajamas photos I've wanted to do for years. Kennedy's cheeky little smile in this picture just kills me!

A lot has happened in the last 13 years since those young, fresh faced, 26 year old's became a family! I couldn't be more proud of the littles we've welcomed into this world and the team that Jim and I have become. We are far from perfect, but we are doing great things together as a family and I think accomplishing our goal of raising good humans. 

This one spoke to me....

I will admit that the last 3 years have hands down been the biggest and hardest years of my life for many different reasons.

2017 changed everything about me and everything that I knew about myself up till that point. It changed who I was as a mom and as a wife, daughter and friend. The last half of my final pregnancy and the first 4 months of the year were truly some of the hardest of my life, riddled with so much uncertainty and fear of what lay ahead. Kennedy's birth was long and scary and the recovery was difficult and the shift from 2 kids to 3 was monumental for all of us. Everything changed and our easy-ish life became so much more difficult, not because she was a hard baby because she wasn't, just because I really wasn't prepared for how hard everything would feel after that. The massive responsibility I felt to care for everyone was really hard for me to handle. And it wasn't the physical work that felt hard, it was the mental toll it took to feel emotionally responsible for 3 lives now. It did, and still does, weigh very heavily on me as a person, knowing how much is riding on me being the best mom and example that I can. There is truly NOTHING in this life that matters as much to me as raising good kids that are going to be amazing self sufficient adults. 

2018 was truly the hardest year that I can remember and not one that I hope to relive anytime soon. It was the year I returned to work and my life just felt so out of control. Kennedy was a VERY trying toddler and I was way out of my comfort zone with her and how to handle her on top of everything else I had going on in my life. She was so busy...and she screeched at EVERYTHING....was so hard to manage on top of all my responsibilities with work and the boys, etc. I wrote a blog post that summer about feeling like I had lost myself and how unhappy I was. People suggested that I had postpartum depression, and while I never went to the doctor for it, I just acknowledged my deep deep unhappiness and got up and got moving and made some changes that made my life feel easier. Kennedy got a bit older and easier to handle and by the time we said goodbye to 2018 I was feeling so much more positive about our future and ready to tackle a new year. 

2019 was a year of change but also a year of contentment for me, after the broken year I had the year before. It was not perfect by any means and we have the same struggles as so many other people do, but we made it through it all together and for the most part, still smiling. Marriage is hard work for a lot of people, and we are no exception to that. We met so young and have been together since we were in our early 20's so while in a lot of ways we have grown up together, we've also sometimes struggled to deal with the inevitable changes that happen too as you grow up and mature and become a new version of yourself. We are still soldiering along and making it work, while raising 3 incredible kids along the way, which as everyone knows is certainly no easy task. 2019 was a tough year for me personally in recognizing who I've become and trying to find my place in the world that I function in with work, the kids school and sports teams, my own friendships, etc. I have a huge heart and so much love to give to those around me. I give a lot of myself to others that need me and sometimes say yes when I really should probably say no. I feel things deeply and often read into things when I shouldn't, which has led to hurt feelings and misunderstandings that I'm not able to express for fear of rejection. I want so badly to be accepted by others, and know that I care far too much if I'm not. I'm not everyone's cup of tea, and I know that. It's the acceptance of that and truly being okay with it that I am hoping to come to in this coming year as I approach turning the big 4-0 in 2021.

My hopes for 2020 are to really find myself and to reconnect in more meaningful ways with my kids and my husband. I want to put my phone down more and participate more with them. More family game nights, more skating and swimming afternoons, more reading with them, less photo taking and more participating. I want my kids to learn valuable lessons from me, and I want them to know that they are and always will be my favorite and most important things in the world. I want to spend more time on myself and my mental and physical health by committing to yoga classes and at least start some sort of somewhat regular physical activity, even if that's just a walk around the block. I've got to start somewhere and I am hoping by reconnecting with those around me and distancing myself from mindless scrolling that I will feel more useful than I have. That includes deleting the random games from my iPad and instead spend my evenings working on my blog and kids photo books. 2020 is also going to be the year that our house gets organized...and stays organized! Mark my words...I will be living more simply by the end of the year than I am now...and I'm really hoping that it brings me the sense of peace that I am so craving!

Watch out for the before and after photos of the basement transformation we are set to tackle in the coming 3 weeks. Wish us luck! 

I gathered all my strength up and I found myself again

If you are a reader of this blog you might remember a post that I wrote last August called "Somewhere along the way I've lost myself" It was one of the most powerful and raw blog posts that I have ever written. It's been viewed more than 600 times and within minutes of hitting publish I got tons of comments, private messages, texts and just all around love from those near and far in my world. What was surprising to me was how the post seemed to be easy for those at a distance to comment and share with me how it made them feel, but those closest to me said very little, if anything, to me about how I was feeling, or how they felt after they read it.

Maybe some of them didn't read it, and that's okay. Like I said, I wrote it for me, not for those around me. But, in those moments after I hit publish and the support came flooding in, I was very aware of who did reach out and who didn't. I realized quickly that in order for me to get better, I was going to have to do it on my own. What followed for me was a long hard look at my life and the areas where I was struggling the most and figuring out how I was going to make changes to get past the previous 8 or 9 months that had truly been some of the hardest times of my life.

Now here's the good news...see this lady here, she is feeling more like herself again, but a new self. A self that is aware of her short-comings as a wife, mother, daughter and friend, but also really damn proud for working through the pain she was feeling and choosing to focus on things differently in order to get out of the valley she was in and back to the peaks of what life can be.

Today, she's happier than she's been in a long time and looking positively at the future ahead.  

Almost 10 whole months have passed since that time and when I think back to the weeks and months that led up to my writing of that post I realize that I was just so overdone with everything. Jim and I were struggling hard in our marriage and didn't seem to be seeing eye to eye on much of anything. His work schedule was changing weekly with no stability or consistency and I was struggling to feel in control of anything. I felt alone and sad and completely overwhelmed with my life. I was living this huge life that I had created for myself and while I wanted my kids to be involved in sports and activities and I wanted to continue to be involved in my stuff....it all just felt so hard. I felt like I couldn't cope anymore with even the littlest of things.

By the time that camping trip hit I honestly felt like I had reached my scary breaking point. I've found since then that talking about that day is even hard for me. I've realized that it's not something that many people talk about for fear of being judged. I am afraid of people judging me too, but I'm writing this anyways because I know I'm not alone in how I was feeling that day. I felt like what I imagine people might feel when they are having a mental breakdown. I was so emotionally and mentally tired and sad. I felt like a zombie going through the motions of caring for the kids but just really wanting to escape.

I can truly say that I have never been so shaken to my core about how I was feeling and can honestly admit I was scared. I was scared I was going to hurt Kennedy out of frustration as I was just so tired, hurt, and angry at the world. I was scared that my boys could see the cracks in my trying-to-be positive exterior and they would realize I was broken inside. And I was scared I'd say something to Jim that I could never take back and would damage the bonds we had worked hard on for 15 years.

In looking back to where I was at that time, I'm not surprised that I cracked under the immense pressure I had put on myself to be someone I felt I needed and wanted to be. I had been back to work for a few months, and was juggling so many balls in the air. I was working part-time and running Jordie back and forth between preschool and daycare during my work day. I had a crazy screeching toddler that had a very stubborn little mind of her own and couldn't fully communicate what she needed or wanted. I was dragging Jordie and Kennedy to baseball and karate 4 days a week to watch James. Jim and I were attending couples counselling to work on our marriage and try to get to a better place in our communicating. I was busy with the Strata's two annual special meetings and the PAC fundraisers/Fun Day/budget planning, etc. I was also the division manager for James's baseball league. Then throw in attempting to see some of Jim's baseball games and multiple camping trips to the mix and I had had almost no time to just rest and be me at all. I literally had forgotten completely who I was and I was scared and sad and lonely. My feelings got hurt really easily and I was quick to anger and lash out.

The weeks following the blog post saw us having a much quieter August because I was just simply done. After that Texada camping weekend in early August we packed up the trailer for the year and I just admitted defeat. I realized I just didn't have it in me to do too much of anything apart from working and keeping the kids alive. Camping turned out to be far more stressful for me last year than it was fun. I have fingers crossed that this year will go much better! :)

Around that same time we decided to undertake the huge main floor reno of our home, and while most people would think that was crazy to take something else on in the state I was in, I truly believe it was the thing that I needed the most. I needed something big to change and I needed something positive to focus on. I was craving something in my life getting easier, and the reality is that although the reno was stressful, it has really improved our quality of life at home. I no longer feel like our living space doesn't work for us. Instead I've found a renewed love of the home that Jim and I started our family in and brought all of our babies home to. I still long for the day we will live in our own single family house, but for the next few years while we save for that I am now more content with where we are.

I feared that in the state that Jim and I were in at the time that the reno would be really hard on us and our marriage but once again it was exactly what we needed. I feel like it reminded us of how good of a team we really are together. We made decisions and plans, all while living with my parents and being just as busy and on-the-go as ever. Seeing how hard Jim worked on this project made me fall in love with him all over again, but in a different way. I believe that love changes over the years, and with each life situation that hits you, it changes again and again. It's how you react to these changes that decides whether your marriage survives or it doesn't. With each of our children's births we've had rough years and have come back stronger each time. This is something that no one really talks much about and I'm not ashamed of our history and the challenges we've faced. In fact, I'm damn proud of how far we've come over the last almost 15 years. I can admit though too that there have been times over the years that I have wondered (and I know Jim has to) whether we would make it or if we were truly meant to be together, but we always find our way back to a healthier and happier place again. Through the good and bad, sickness and in health, we are here and happy together, surrounded by the 3 beautiful little humans we've created together. Marriage is so damn hard, and marriage with 3 kids has been especially hard. I won't say I went into having our third child with a totally blind eye to how hard it would be, but I can easily admit I was naive and definitely underestimated how hard it would be and how much things would change. And no it didn't matter how much anyone told me it would change, I didn't believe it till I was living it.

Once September hit and Jordie was in school full-time and Jim's job had settled back into a somewhat predictable routine I felt like things calmed down and I noticed a shift in how I was feeling. October brought the move to my parents and the day in and day out craziness of the kitchen/main floor reno. Living with them was a total blessing and I couldn't have imagined if we'd tried to live in our house among the disaster. I definitely couldn't have done it and am so very thankful for all of the time and effort that my parents put into helping us with the project. My dad spent countless hours helping Jim at the house, while my mom was wonderful with helping me with the kids.

By the time we moved home in mid-November we were all so excited to get back to our regular life in our new kitchen and main floor. We settled into our normal busy life and before we knew it I was off work for 3 weeks for Christmas break. It was an absolutely amazing Christmas with the kids and we did lots of relaxing and fun stuff as a family. 2018 ended on a high note for me, after the first 8 months of hard times. I was really starting to feel more like me again and was grateful for the lessons learned through my toughest year ever.

2019 has been off to a great start for the whole Barrows family! It was around Christmas time that I noticed a huge shift in our KJ girl. She has grown up so much and although still a handful some times, she's communicating really well and is able to tell us what she wants, or more often what she definitely doesn't want. :) We've hit the terrible two's already but I'm finding in my new state of mind that it's not so overwhelming in those moments of hard times. The boys are just as busy as ever and have just finished their regular hockey seasons for the years. James continues to do karate for the time being, but we have not decided yet on the future of that sport for him. He has a tournament in May that we are all looking forward to and after that we'll see what we decide to do. Up next is spring hockey for James and then baseball seasons for both of the boys this year. April, May and June are going to be CRAZY for us with sports and activities and such, but I'm looking so forward to it too!

So, here's to moving forward to this busy season once again for us and going at it with a different and more clear head about me. I'm happier and more content than I've been in a long time, and even occasionally missing the young toddler stage that Kennedy was in at this time last year...but not enough to EVER wish I could go back to it. I'm thankful for where I am today and the life that I've created. I am proud of the hard work I did to make myself feel better and to get where I am today. I look forward to the upcoming seasons upon us and wonder where I'll be in another 6 months from now.

My goals for my life right now are simple and I want to put them here so that if I feel I need a reminder of them that I can look back at this post to remind me:

1) to be the best mom that I can. Not a perfect one because I know that just isn't possible, but a better one than I have been before. I want to spend quality time with them and continue to teach them and support them into being the best humans they can be. This doesn't mean I have to be at every single sports activity, or school assembly or class field trip. This means playing games with them, reading with them more, or even just getting outside for a walk or play at the park.

2) to be a better wife. This is a hard one for me and not because I don't want to do it, but because it just always falls behind on the priority list behind being a mom and taking care of the kids. And often that job takes literally all that I have in me to give and doesn't leave much of me to offer in a big way to Jim. I hope that somehow he and I can carve out some time for us together, just the two of us. We so enjoy each other's company most of the time, but stress hits and sometimes it's hard to remember that. We went away together last month and had the best two days together we had had since before Kennedy was born. We laughed a lot and talked about things that really mattered. I wish we could do it more often but it's just not a reality for us right now with where we are at with our kids.

3) broaden my circle and make some new friends. Don't get me wrong, I love the friends I have and cherish the bonds that I have with them, but I often am left feeling like I'm putting in more than I'm getting back. I'm learning as I get older that I really just want to be around people that want to be around me. I want to make the effort with those that want to make the effort with me. I want to be invited to places rather than feel like I'm always the one asking. I want to be the family that people want to spend time with, but I feel often like people say yes because the invite is there, but if left to their own devices we wouldn't necessarily be the first family they would chose to spend time with. And I have to learn to not take that to heart and go forward with my own life and when people want to be in it they will do some of the inviting too.

4) take time just for me. Even if that's just a walk around the block alone to clear my head. I need to remember that I'm important too and laying on the couch alone at night when Jim is at work is not the alone time I need. I need time away when my kids are with other people to just be alone. I need to find a good babysitter I trust to come to my house and watch them for an hour or two once in awhile! It all comes back to spending money on myself, because even if all I do is go for a walk, paying a sitter for 3 kids is expensive and it always feels like an extra expense that I shouldn't be spending.

5) put my phone down and engage more. I don't know anyone that couldn't do this more! I feel like I'm a slave to it sometimes, but other times like I could go hours without it. Many times when I'm with friends and family I find myself not even thinking about looking at it, which is a big shift from a few years ago when I was way more attached to it than I am now. BUT, even in saying that I know I could get better...and I will! It's my favorite and probably easiest goal that I can achieve.

In closing, THANK YOU to all those people that did reach out to me last summer with kind words. I appreciate that you took the time to tell me that I wasn't alone, although I felt so much like I was.

These 3 humans are the reason that I do everything I do. I love being their mom and hope that when they grow up they are proud of the mom and person that I was for them in their lives. I have high hopes and big dreams for the people that they will become and if at the end of my years on this earth I can say that I did nothing else other than raise good kids I will truly be happy.

And I of course can't forget this super special human too. I have loved this man for more than half of my adult years and we're creeping up close to the half of our lives mark. The past year taught me that even though some days (and years) are hard that I never lost sight of the love that we have and the memories that we've made over the years. I am grateful for my life with him. 

Somewhere along the way I've lost myself

I know I'm not the only mom (or person in general) who feels that over time they've just lost who they are.

See this pretty lady here. Her life was a lot less complicated back then but she was happy and content. She still had her problems like everyone does, but she was fun to be around and connected with people in all aspects of her life. Fast forward to one and a half years later and she's gone. She's become so busy being a mom to her kids and a wife to her husband that she forgot who she was and what made her happy. She is just like so many other moms out there who have changed so much that she sometimes loses sight of the person she used to be. She longs to be that same person again and connect how she used to, but realizes that the choices she's made in her life have brought her to this point. She feels really sad, negative, lonely and angry at times and wants to connect with people, but isn't sure how to all the time. She is able to put on a happy face when she needs to, but inside she's having a hard time some days keeping it together. She is able to hide her feelings from those around her but is absolutely exhausted at the end of every day from trying so hard to be everything for everyone. She struggles to reach out and ask for help and honestly isn't even sure what help she needs to feel better and more whole again. She decided to start by writing this blog post.

Anyone who has children knows how much it changes your life. When the photo above was taken I was around 20 weeks pregnant with Kennedy and had just found out about the complications in my pregnancy. I was happy and excited for the new life coming into our family and I was hopeful that we would handle it like pros and life would move on as it had been so far. I was wrong, very very wrong. The rest of my pregnancy was filled with uncertainty and worry about my health and the way that our baby girl would enter the world. It was a sad and extremely difficult time for me that I wish I could describe better but I can't. I just know that it changed me in many ways forever. It brought to light to me how precious life is and how having a support system is very important in your life, even if sometimes you don't agree with that support. We were lucky to make it through her delivery with both of us alive and we welcomed our sweet little baby girl and our family was finally complete. Of course the newborn months were hard and we struggled through nursing and managing to keep all 3 kids alive, but we did it. We had an awesome summer camping with our friends and I figured everything would just keep going onwards and upwards. Again, I was wrong. Then the toddler years started and let me be honest with you about the reality of how overwhelmed I am and the areas of my life it's impacted. 

I am a strong woman who was raised by an equally strong woman. I was wholly unprepared for how busy and stubborn my daughter would be and how relentlessly hard it would feel on me emotionally and physically to deal with that. As I've gotten older I cherish peace and quiet in my life like I never used to. I used to want to be around people all the time and I thrived on talking and interacting. Now, I find myself retreating and wanting the peace and quiet. Our house is very loud and very busy all the time. We are constantly running in 10 different directions and while I love my kids being involved, it's very hard too. Jim's job change last spring and new shift schedule threw a huge wrench into our lives that I in particular have found really hard to navigate. In years past he worked away in camp before and was only home for full days at a time which was actually easier than now when he's home for some part of every day, but that part of the day changes every week. I am super grateful though for the amazing job that he has that has allowed me to work part-time which I feel has been a good balance since returning to work in the spring. I have no idea how I would have coped if I had returned to work full-time! 

I've always been one to have lots of acquaintances in my life, but not a ton of super close friends. I have bunch of friends who we always say that we need to get together, but life is so busy for everyone that it just rarely happens. I'm in this weird place in my life right now too where none of my friends families are in the same stage as we are with a toddler so it's hard for us to do the same things with them that they can do with other friends. I knew that going in to having another baby but I guess I didn't realize how hard that would feel in the process of waiting for her to catch up a bit to the bigger kids where we will again have the freedom to do the same things as our friends can now. It's hard to feel so out of place sometimes and it's contributed to the feelings of losing myself and my place in my group of friends.

I have always leaned heavily on my parents to be my support system and have gone to them for many things over the years. Sometimes I lean too heavily but I always make sure to tell them how much I appreciate them and their support. We certainly don't always see eye to eye on everything and I'm learning as I get older that they aren't perfect. I was that person that thought then (and still now) that my parents hung the moon. They were always there for me in a loving and firm way through the teenage and young adult years. Over the years we've had some battles when it comes to what they believe is right and what I believe is right. I've come to realize over the years that their opinion isn't always the right one for me and how I'm choosing to raise my kids and I have to be okay to tell them that and I have to hope that they respect me enough to be okay hearing that too. I always say how I respect so much the job that my mom and dad did in raising me and I value my mom's opinion very highly, but that I also have to find my own path to raising my kids, and hope that when they grow up that they love me in the same fierce way that I love her. I'm not going to do a perfect job and I know that, but I am doing the very best I can for my kids and I hope they are as proud to be my kids as I am to be her kid.

Going back to being able to connect with people. This is a strange one for me that still surprises me to this day. I always felt like I was an extrovert that would always be able to connect with people, whether with a laugh or a heart to heart chat about life. Now that I'm so far into my life and my own struggles I find myself having a really hard time connecting with people, and especially with those closest to me. I often feel misunderstood and that people just don't quite get me anymore. I feel like a burden for my sadness and the chaos that my circus of a life brings to those around me. I feel like I'm more trouble than I'm worth sometimes. I worry that people don't want us around because we are loud and crazy (although lots of fun too I think!) and it weighs heavily on me. I think most people have a deep seeded desire to be liked and I'm absolutely no different. I crave peace and quiet but I still love nothing more than sitting down with a cup of a tea and a good friend and just bullshitting about life and motherhood. I wish I had the time to do that more often. And I wish I had the guts to reach out and tell people that's what I need. 

I miss the quieter life we had with just the boys, but hear me when I say this, I do not regret having my daughter. I'm sad that our life is so much more challenging now with 3 kids but I knew what I was signing up for when I decided to have another child. She brings me such happiness and laughter, but also right now so much frustration. The toddler years are so tough and I didn't forget that, but I also never had a toddler like her before either. She is by far my busiest one and she tests the boundaries so hard already...at not even 16 months old! She is so incredibly bright and I look forward to seeing who she becomes, and I hope that one day she loves me like I love my mama. I truly believe she is probably going to teach me the most about being a mother and how to move forward with my life. 

I do know that this stage of my life won't last forever, and I'm grateful for that. I know one day I will look back on these days and remember mainly the good instead of the bad that I'm feeling right now. I'm hopeful that the feelings of being completely overwhelmed by my life will pass as my kids get older and need me less and less and they will be replaced with fears about whether I'm doing a good job in raising them to be really great human beings that will contribute to this world in a meaningful way. I think those are really normal fears that all parents have as their kids get older. 

Why is self-care so hard to do this days? I feel like if I had even just a few hours a week to myself to do what made me most happy I would be able to recharge my batteries and be a better mother and wife for my family. And I don't mean after the kids are in bed because that's not truly alone time because you're still responsible for the little humans that are maybe going to stay asleep! Plus that's when housework and laundry and other stuff gets done, that's not truly self care me time.

I escaped our family camping trip and came home to have a good sleep and get some rest and the much needed peace and quiet that I'm craving. It's been amazing and exactly what I needed. I'm going back feeling more rested and more ready to tackle the trying toddler days ahead! 

I hesitated in writing this blog for fear that I would be judged for putting it out there so honestly and openly that I am overwhelmed by my life and am struggling with this phase that I'm in. I've had comments in the past by people close to me that feel that I share too much on here, but as I always say, I don't write this blog for the people that read it, I write it for me. I wish more people felt comfortable enough to share how they really feel rather than putting on the face of happiness when really they're not. I've done that for a long time too so I know why people do it. I just wish it was easier for people to talk about mental health and how important it is. 

So with an open heart and a trusting soul I decided to write the blog and publish it anyways. I'm taking a leap in sharing some of my most private thoughts and feelings and I feel better, even if some people won't understand why I did it. I'm not doing it for sympathy or words of encouragement and praise, I'm doing it so I can look back years from now and remember the struggles. And if I am able to help anyone else that is feeling the same way and maybe just doesn't know how to say it, then that's a total bonus for me. I hope that years from now I can look back at this post and be so proud of myself and how I climbed myself out of this dark valley of my life back to the peaks of another year. 

To anyone else that is feeling the same as I am...know that you are not alone! I am here struggling right along with you in the deep trenches of motherhood! Whether you are a mother of toddlers or teens I think we all struggle in our own ways.

"Because I just love him and he's my family"

So James had his joint birthday party with Cooper on Saturday and we did a super easy hockey/playground party at the boys school. The kids that wanted to play hockey all lined up in the court to pick teams and Coop and James got to be team captains.

I rushed over to take some pictures and the next thing I hear is James saying "oh come on, I'm obviously going to pick Barrows, you come play with me little brother!" He literally picked his little brother to be on his team before he picked any of his big kid friends!!



I thought my heart would burst as my eyes filled with tears seeing how excited Jordie was that his brother picked him first. He only lasted a few minutes in the game before he left crying because he got hit or something but it was such a heart warming moment for me to know that even though they drive each other completely crazy that they truly always have each others backs. When I asked James later why he chose his brother he replied with "well because I just love him and he's my family".

Another great brother moment happened this weekend when the boys had a chance to sit in a big fancy ATV dune buggy thing in the back of a big truck. Jordie got to sit in the drivers seat first and he was so excited but within about a minute he climbed over to the drivers seat and yelled "come on James, you come in too!" I said it's okay Jordie you can have a few more minutes before you have to let him have a turn, and he replied with "no way, he's the big brother and he should be the driver!" It was so cute how excited they were to do it together.

They really do just love each so much, even if a lot of the time all I hear is "MOM....James/Jordie did....." I suppose the days will come where I will miss the bickering and tattling on each other but for now I'm gonna grin and bear it and hope that one day they read these posts and remember how much they love each other!

9 Things You Should Say To Your Kids Every Day

I can't take credit for any of these because they came from a video slideshow that my dad sent me on FB but as soon as I saw it I knew I wanted to do a post about it.

Even though I didn't come up with the sayings I absolutely believe in them and strive to remember them on a daily basis. A lot of them I do say to my boys, but some I don't and really should so I'm hoping that by posting this blog I will be reminded of them more often and they will become as second nature as the easiest one that I tell them at least 3-4 times per day...which is of course...I Love You!

Here they are: 

(1) "I Love You" - Say it to them as often as you like! 

(2) "I like it when you..." - Talk about positive aspects of their behavior

(3) "You make me happy" - This makes them feel valuable

(4) "I'm proud of you" - They need to hear they are doing a good job, even when it's hard

(5) "You are special" - Let them know their uniqueness is strength

(6) "I trust you" - Building a foundation of trust raises an honest person

(7) "I believe in you" - Teach them how valuable they are

(8) "I know you can do this" - Encourage them to never give up

(9) "I am grateful for you" - Be specific, this can really make their day!

From the FB page that this came from came another great saying....Don't let a single day go by without telling your kids how you feel. 

These two are the reason I do everything in my life...and why I strive to be the very best mother that I can be. They make me want to be a better person and make me proud to see the little men that they are becoming. I want them to know how much I love them and how special they are to me. 

Sometimes they break our hearts without meaning to at all

Today James had a tree planting class field trip and although I was able to go for a little bit of it I was not able to ride on the school bus with him there and back. And not to mention the school bus was more than 30 minutes late so in the end I only actually got to participate for around 40 minutes before I had to leave. And when I did go to leave to get to work he was sad and said he didn't want me to go...and gave me a huge hug that made my heart hurt.

Then after school I called Papa to check in on the boys and asked James if he was practicing his Student Creed for karate. Papa said he was doing it and had in fact nailed it on his first try and was hoping he could get tested on it today during class. Then the dreaded words that no mother wants to hear "mom, are you able to come to karate today to watch me?" I literally felt my heart break in two and even thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. I would love nothing more than to see him doing something that he loves so much and has been working so hard on, but I just couldn't get away today after starting late because of the morning field trip. I wish that I could make it to everything that he does, but I just can't, and I knew that when I signed him up for it, but it's still hard. I was reminded today by my sister when I was upset about it that at least he has people that love him and support him that are there watching him...and that is what he will remember, not that I couldn't go. I know how lucky I am that my parents have committed to helping us get him to karate two days a week because without them it would be a sport that he just wouldn't be able to participate in and we are grateful that he can, because I know he is getting so much out of it.

I'm not sure if it's just a subtle shift I'm feeling because I'm pregnant and hormonal but I've noticed some changes in my boys the past week or so. Jordie has told me a few times that he doesn't want me to go to work, or he doesn't want to go to school or that he's going to miss me a lot when I'm gone to work which he never seemed to care about before. I don't know whether he just senses his little world is going to change, or what it is, but I'm definitely noticing it. And with James, I think the hard thing is that he KNOWS how much his world is going to change, and as much as he's excited about the new baby, I'm sensing that it's weighing on him too.

Now for the other side of it...times when my heart just wants to burst wide open with love. I called and talked quickly after school and the very first thing out of James's mouth was "how is the baby doing today Mom?" and Jordie this morning asked me if he could give the baby a kiss good morning and say hi. They are just too cute and even though I know their worlds are going to change drastically with a new sibling, I have so much faith in the little men that they are that they are going to rise to the occasion and be the best big brothers in the world.

So, this post is really all about the mom guilt that I feel. I feel like I have to work to support our family, but I also wish I could be there for everything for my boys. I know how fortunate I am to be able to be there when I can because I know other mom's who can't. My job is relatively flexible and with some pre-planning and help from my coworkers and boss I'm going to be able to go to watch James's karate sometimes, which I know will make both of us very happy! I think all parents feel some guilt about what they can't do, but I hope that other parents can look at what they can do and try to focus on that instead...I know it's what I'm trying to do!

I needed some extra snuggles tonight so I suggested a bedtime Blaze episode all together in 

mom and dad's bed. I loved every second of the extra quiet time with my two loves!

My thoughts on Baby #3 and anticipating some questions people may have

One of my favorite posts I ever wrote was done very shortly after Jordie was born. It was called "The Question I KNOW many of you are thinking... and it was a hugely read post on here. It was all about my thoughts about welcoming a second little boy instead of the little girl I was so desperately hoping and wishing for. I thought when I shared my pregnancy announcement post a few days ago that this would be another fun spin on that kind of post, where I answer questions that I'm sure others may be thinking (or I'm just thinking about them!)

I know a lot of people are curious by nature (I am one of those kinds of people normally) and some will wonder things but either won't be brave enough to ask or will feel silly if they want to know. Some of these are questions I've already been asked, or some are just things I've thought about in the last 5 really long weeks when I did a whole lot of thinking to prevent myself from doing any talking.

Here are the top 10 things I thought of right away.

(1) Are you happy? Yes I am now happy about this pregnancy. I will admit though that the first 2-3 weeks after I found out were really hard for me to digest that it was really happening again, and I lived in fear (and if I'm being honest maybe a little bit of hope) that something might happen and we would end up going back to our newfound plans of a happy little family of 4. But as time went on and we got closer and closer to seeing the baby on the ultrasound and to telling our boys I found myself changing, I started to get upset and really worried if something happened. I know that life happens the way it's supposed to and I believe that this baby is a true gift that is going to teach me so many things in my life. I've heard that 3rd babies are just the very best ever (hehehehe...right Mom?)

(2) What did your mom think when you told her? She was so excited too which was a huge relief to me. I was probably more worried about telling my mom than anyone else. We had talked a fair amount over the past few months about us being done having babies and I felt like she was really happy that that was the choice we had made. I think she knew (having had three kids herself) that having two kids would just be a financially and physically "easier" future for us. I know she also worries about my health and whether my Crohn's will stay away to allow me to live the best life I possible can with my family. Also with how much she and my dad help us out, I was worried that she just wouldn't feel up to helping out like she did before and would be upset to be put in that position. But in reality, she was just as excited this time as she has been the last 2 times. Or maybe even more so because this one was such a shock to her. With the boys she knew we were trying so it definitely wasn't much of a shock, this time she had sold all her baby stuff and was really mentally prepared with having no new grand babies. She is excited to spoil and snuggle a new little one....let's see how she feels about going back to the young toddler/potty training years!

This was the look on her face when she heard the line in the boy's video about the baby being in mommy's belly...I'd say she figured it out right away! :)

(3) Is this a surprise baby or a planned baby? Kind of both. We did try for almost 9 months to have a 3rd baby but it didn't happen. And then we weren't very smart once we decided to move forward and then I ended up getting pregnant after we were done trying. So, kind of both.

(4) Are you hoping it's a girl this time? This is a tough one to answer actually. Of course part of me is hoping it's a girl, but I can honestly and truthfully tell you that I am kind of scared of little girls and would rather have a little boy because that's a crazy beast I feel like I know and am comfortable with. I would love to have a daughter so hopefully we have a great mother/daughter relationship when she's older, but I don't absolutely have my heart set on it by any means. I think though based on a lot of my FB comments there are going to be a lot of my friends and family that might be shocked and disappointed if it comes out a boy. Everyone is hoping for me for a little girl to finish off our family, and maybe that's what will happen, and maybe it won't :)

If it is a little girl I have my fingers crossed for my red haired baby finally!


(5) Are you crazy to be doing this again? YES, I am feeling really crazy these days about this decision. I think I thought it was a better idea than maybe it is? But the reality is that it is happening, and I am going to love that baby like crazy, just like I do my boys. I am now starting to get excited and the terror I was feeling is starting to calm down a little bit. Of course I still worry about some things like money (but really, who doesn't) but my worries about love and time aren't there anymore. Those are things I can control and I know we've got more than enough love to give to another baby and thankfully I love being busy which I'm sure with 3 kids we are definitely going to be that!

(6) Are you going to find out the gender this time? Or....please tell me you are going to find out this time! Most asked question/comment so far and YES this time we are going to find out baby's gender for a couple of different reasons:
(a) I want to be really prepared this time, both physically and mentally. I don't want to have a newborn girl and then have to get to rid of 13 odd bins of boy shit.
(b) I want the boys to have some time to adjust to what the new baby will be. James is at an age where I think this is what's best for him. I could just see him hoping for the next 6 months it's a boy and then it coming out a girl and him just not being a happy camper!
(c) I would never want to take the chance that when the baby was born that there was any disappointment on that day because I have admitted before that the first 30 minutes of Jordie's life I was very upset that he was a boy...then I fell in love with him the instant I held him.
(d) I want to have an excuse to have a big party with our friends and family and all find out at the same time! I am really looking forward to this actually and I feel like no matter what the gender is that moment will be one that we will all never forget.

I think I want something like this...but with the top words from the boys sign

   

(7) Are the boys excited? James is so excited to be a "double" big brother and Jordie doesn't quite understand yet what's up. Within a day of finding out James was already talking to the baby and telling it that "tomorrow is going to be a good day, I promise" and of course Jordie followed suit a few mornings later by asking me when I was half asleep if he could kiss the baby good morning. Let's hope they are still excited in 2 or 3 months when baby is big enough to be felt kicking on the outside.

The look on James's face here says it all!

 

(8) Will you take the full year off from work? HELL yes I will. This is the first time I know for sure that I want to and will return to my job. At Tourism PR I went on maternity leave knowing I didn't have a job to go back to and with the Peak, although I did like my job there, I knew I wanted something more challenging so had always planned to look for something else while off on leave. My job at VIU fell into my lap at the perfect time, just as Jordie was turning 1 and I was about to return to the Peak. I love my job at VIU and see this being my long term career path so don't intend to look elsewhere while I'm off.

(9) Ohhhh....you are going to be a busy lady!! Oh, don't I know that! I already feel really busy with working full time, running the strata, taking on the PAC treasurer volunteer stuff and now throw being pregnant and kids in 4 different sports and it makes for some crazy schedules...but to be honest I love being busy and I am looking forward to the challenge. Our summer was so ridiculously busy and although it was tiring, I absolutely LOVED it. I really do love being challenged and I do know that throwing this 3rd baby into the mix is definitely going to do that!

(10) How are you feeling? Tired...very, very tired....all.the.time! The nausea hasn't been bad and this week it's actually getting much better. Compared to my other pregnancy I definitely feel better in that regard. Most days I feel good for about 85% of the day and just nauseous for a little bit of each day but if I can force myself to eat even a little bit it definitely helps with that. The exhaustion has been hard to cope with but thankfully our weekends have been quite slow so I've been able to sneak in some afternoon naps along the way which have been life savers! It's just the days of the work week that I'm finding hard. Most nights I'm just so done by the time I get home at 6 that we eat dinner, get the boys bathed and to bed and then I veg on the couch for an hour or two until I fall into bed by 10 at the very latest. I've even gone to bed as early as 8:30 a few nights!

So, there you have it! The first 10 questions/comments that popped into my head about this pregnancy. If you think of any questions you want me to answer, just let me know and I'd be happy to do so.

Hi, what's your name?

3 different people in one week that he just randomly said hello to and asked them what their name was. For a kid that used to seem unfriendly and almost grumpy with everyone, he is sure becoming more and more outgoing and friendly by the day. He is starting to remind me of his big brother at around the age of 2 when he first realized that interacting with other people was fun and engaging. Now James sometimes interacts with strangers too much :)

Jordie is blossoming into a really cool little guy that loves people as much as the rest of us do. As an outgoing person, who married another relatively outgoing person, who then had a really outgoing first child...it's nice to see this one developing into more of our kind of kid. I thought in those first few years that he was going to just be a really different kid than us and that was okay too but I never suspected that he would end up being as outgoing as his brother is and would give us all a run for our money with his very strong little personality. I do believe that I am going to have my hands full with these two boys when they hit their teenaged years. They are already very opinionated and never hesitate to tell us what they are thinking about something. I guess I have no one to blame but myself on that one!

At the grocery store this little exchange happened a few weeks ago:

Jordie:                Hi, what's your name?
Grocery clerk:    My name is Sarah, what's your name?
Jordie:                My name's Dordie (he can't quite say Jordie yet)
Grocery clerk:    Oh hi (with big smiles of course)
Me:                    Okay...come on Jordie we have to get going cause Daddy is waiting to make supper

Walking away
Jordie:    she's my teacher at my school.
Me:         No, honey she's not your teacher.
Jordie:     Oh, she's my friend

Everyone should be as friendly as a curious toddler pulling a rolling grocery basket.

I could have done better

This is the face of a little boy who was in the middle of an epic 40 minute toddler tantrum, who 10 minutes before, in a crowd of people while he cried and clung to me and told me he just wanted to "snuddle me" I put him down, told him to stop crying and get walking and just let him keep whining. In that moment I was tired, frustrated, embarrassed and extremely cranky and I fully know now that what he needed from me, I just straight up didn't give him. If I'd picked him up and "snuddled" him when he needed it, and not worried about "giving in" to his bad behavior, I'm sure we would have avoided this disaster below. 

Warning: I do tell him in this video that I don't like him. I don't usually tell my kids that, however I can admit I lost my cool (all parents do it sometimes, not everyone is mature enough to admit it). Please don't judge me, and if you do then please keep it to yourself. 

You see we are cutting out his naps these days but because of a long day the day before and plans for the afternoon and evening (and my selfish desire for an hour to myself) I put him down for a nap, knowing I'd have to wake him early to go and get James from school. I figured he'd be grumpy, but I had no idea the extent of it. 

He cried/whined/screamed for 15 minutes before we went to the school, then the whole way to the school (a lady actually laughed at me from her car when she heard us coming), while at the school where he usually always runs to play, the whole way home, while we were rushing to go pee and brush our teeth, and almost the whole way to the dentist. At least 40 minutes of almost constant whining and screaming...and I sit her wondering if maybe I had just snuggled him when he needed me to that I could have stopped the tantrum long before it reached the epic proportions that it did in the video from the van. This kind of behavior is truly not normal for Jordan, and for whatever reason on this day, at this time, all he needed was his Mommy, and I just didn't show up. I absolutely know that I could have done better for him in that moment. 

The point of this post is not to beat myself up about how I didn't handle the situation right but to just remind myself to do better again the next time. Everyone has these moments/hours/days that they wish they could take back and redo and I am no different. But I am able to be honest with myself about my faults and how I wish I'd dealt with the situation better. 

I have been having some difficulties coping with some stuff and the past few weeks have been hard for me. I've struggled some times with being the kind of mom that I want to be to my boys and yesterday was no exception. But, in saying that, today, I hugged those little boys extra hard and told them both how much I loved them and to me that's what matters. It's THOSE moments they will remember, and I know that as long as there are 10x more of those moments than the bad ones I'm doing a damn good job by them and I am proud of myself. I am only human and I do the very best I can at all that I do, and I know that sometimes I do awesome, and sometimes I end the day just knowing that I could have done better...and that's okay too!