A scary flashback Friday

A memory from 8 years ago. 

As a family this is still one of the biggest near misses we’ve ever had. Whenever I think about how bad this could have turned out I cringe and then feel grateful that he escaped with no serious injuries. We were very lucky that day! 

We call them the "Toddler Speed Wobbles"

Big ouchies for our sweet Kennedy girl! We were rushing into dance class as we were just about late and I told her we needed to hustle so she went running so fast from the van to the front door and before I knew what was happening she was down! Toddlers don't have great balance to begin with but then throw in running too fast and it ends in disaster. She bailed hard...right onto her little face. She gave herself a little raspberry under her eye, goose-egg on her temple, a skinned knee and a run in her tights. :( 

This was just two minutes after it happened and I was trying to capture a picture of her cute little outfit but she was still crying (but giving a valiant effort at a smile). 

Right after this Ms. Sydney came out and it was it showtime!! She wiped her tears and off she ran to dance class. She LOVES dancing and I am already so excited to see her at the year end show in May. She's going to be ridiculously cute. 

Dance is over and we are a happy girl!  

And now we're tired of Mommy snapping photos! hahahahaha

All smiles for a few selfies at big brothers' hockey

Somewhere along the way I've lost myself

I know I'm not the only mom (or person in general) who feels that over time they've just lost who they are.

See this pretty lady here. Her life was a lot less complicated back then but she was happy and content. She still had her problems like everyone does, but she was fun to be around and connected with people in all aspects of her life. Fast forward to one and a half years later and she's gone. She's become so busy being a mom to her kids and a wife to her husband that she forgot who she was and what made her happy. She is just like so many other moms out there who have changed so much that she sometimes loses sight of the person she used to be. She longs to be that same person again and connect how she used to, but realizes that the choices she's made in her life have brought her to this point. She feels really sad, negative, lonely and angry at times and wants to connect with people, but isn't sure how to all the time. She is able to put on a happy face when she needs to, but inside she's having a hard time some days keeping it together. She is able to hide her feelings from those around her but is absolutely exhausted at the end of every day from trying so hard to be everything for everyone. She struggles to reach out and ask for help and honestly isn't even sure what help she needs to feel better and more whole again. She decided to start by writing this blog post.

Anyone who has children knows how much it changes your life. When the photo above was taken I was around 20 weeks pregnant with Kennedy and had just found out about the complications in my pregnancy. I was happy and excited for the new life coming into our family and I was hopeful that we would handle it like pros and life would move on as it had been so far. I was wrong, very very wrong. The rest of my pregnancy was filled with uncertainty and worry about my health and the way that our baby girl would enter the world. It was a sad and extremely difficult time for me that I wish I could describe better but I can't. I just know that it changed me in many ways forever. It brought to light to me how precious life is and how having a support system is very important in your life, even if sometimes you don't agree with that support. We were lucky to make it through her delivery with both of us alive and we welcomed our sweet little baby girl and our family was finally complete. Of course the newborn months were hard and we struggled through nursing and managing to keep all 3 kids alive, but we did it. We had an awesome summer camping with our friends and I figured everything would just keep going onwards and upwards. Again, I was wrong. Then the toddler years started and let me be honest with you about the reality of how overwhelmed I am and the areas of my life it's impacted. 

I am a strong woman who was raised by an equally strong woman. I was wholly unprepared for how busy and stubborn my daughter would be and how relentlessly hard it would feel on me emotionally and physically to deal with that. As I've gotten older I cherish peace and quiet in my life like I never used to. I used to want to be around people all the time and I thrived on talking and interacting. Now, I find myself retreating and wanting the peace and quiet. Our house is very loud and very busy all the time. We are constantly running in 10 different directions and while I love my kids being involved, it's very hard too. Jim's job change last spring and new shift schedule threw a huge wrench into our lives that I in particular have found really hard to navigate. In years past he worked away in camp before and was only home for full days at a time which was actually easier than now when he's home for some part of every day, but that part of the day changes every week. I am super grateful though for the amazing job that he has that has allowed me to work part-time which I feel has been a good balance since returning to work in the spring. I have no idea how I would have coped if I had returned to work full-time! 

I've always been one to have lots of acquaintances in my life, but not a ton of super close friends. I have bunch of friends who we always say that we need to get together, but life is so busy for everyone that it just rarely happens. I'm in this weird place in my life right now too where none of my friends families are in the same stage as we are with a toddler so it's hard for us to do the same things with them that they can do with other friends. I knew that going in to having another baby but I guess I didn't realize how hard that would feel in the process of waiting for her to catch up a bit to the bigger kids where we will again have the freedom to do the same things as our friends can now. It's hard to feel so out of place sometimes and it's contributed to the feelings of losing myself and my place in my group of friends.

I have always leaned heavily on my parents to be my support system and have gone to them for many things over the years. Sometimes I lean too heavily but I always make sure to tell them how much I appreciate them and their support. We certainly don't always see eye to eye on everything and I'm learning as I get older that they aren't perfect. I was that person that thought then (and still now) that my parents hung the moon. They were always there for me in a loving and firm way through the teenage and young adult years. Over the years we've had some battles when it comes to what they believe is right and what I believe is right. I've come to realize over the years that their opinion isn't always the right one for me and how I'm choosing to raise my kids and I have to be okay to tell them that and I have to hope that they respect me enough to be okay hearing that too. I always say how I respect so much the job that my mom and dad did in raising me and I value my mom's opinion very highly, but that I also have to find my own path to raising my kids, and hope that when they grow up that they love me in the same fierce way that I love her. I'm not going to do a perfect job and I know that, but I am doing the very best I can for my kids and I hope they are as proud to be my kids as I am to be her kid.

Going back to being able to connect with people. This is a strange one for me that still surprises me to this day. I always felt like I was an extrovert that would always be able to connect with people, whether with a laugh or a heart to heart chat about life. Now that I'm so far into my life and my own struggles I find myself having a really hard time connecting with people, and especially with those closest to me. I often feel misunderstood and that people just don't quite get me anymore. I feel like a burden for my sadness and the chaos that my circus of a life brings to those around me. I feel like I'm more trouble than I'm worth sometimes. I worry that people don't want us around because we are loud and crazy (although lots of fun too I think!) and it weighs heavily on me. I think most people have a deep seeded desire to be liked and I'm absolutely no different. I crave peace and quiet but I still love nothing more than sitting down with a cup of a tea and a good friend and just bullshitting about life and motherhood. I wish I had the time to do that more often. And I wish I had the guts to reach out and tell people that's what I need. 

I miss the quieter life we had with just the boys, but hear me when I say this, I do not regret having my daughter. I'm sad that our life is so much more challenging now with 3 kids but I knew what I was signing up for when I decided to have another child. She brings me such happiness and laughter, but also right now so much frustration. The toddler years are so tough and I didn't forget that, but I also never had a toddler like her before either. She is by far my busiest one and she tests the boundaries so hard already...at not even 16 months old! She is so incredibly bright and I look forward to seeing who she becomes, and I hope that one day she loves me like I love my mama. I truly believe she is probably going to teach me the most about being a mother and how to move forward with my life. 

I do know that this stage of my life won't last forever, and I'm grateful for that. I know one day I will look back on these days and remember mainly the good instead of the bad that I'm feeling right now. I'm hopeful that the feelings of being completely overwhelmed by my life will pass as my kids get older and need me less and less and they will be replaced with fears about whether I'm doing a good job in raising them to be really great human beings that will contribute to this world in a meaningful way. I think those are really normal fears that all parents have as their kids get older. 

Why is self-care so hard to do this days? I feel like if I had even just a few hours a week to myself to do what made me most happy I would be able to recharge my batteries and be a better mother and wife for my family. And I don't mean after the kids are in bed because that's not truly alone time because you're still responsible for the little humans that are maybe going to stay asleep! Plus that's when housework and laundry and other stuff gets done, that's not truly self care me time.

I escaped our family camping trip and came home to have a good sleep and get some rest and the much needed peace and quiet that I'm craving. It's been amazing and exactly what I needed. I'm going back feeling more rested and more ready to tackle the trying toddler days ahead! 

I hesitated in writing this blog for fear that I would be judged for putting it out there so honestly and openly that I am overwhelmed by my life and am struggling with this phase that I'm in. I've had comments in the past by people close to me that feel that I share too much on here, but as I always say, I don't write this blog for the people that read it, I write it for me. I wish more people felt comfortable enough to share how they really feel rather than putting on the face of happiness when really they're not. I've done that for a long time too so I know why people do it. I just wish it was easier for people to talk about mental health and how important it is. 

So with an open heart and a trusting soul I decided to write the blog and publish it anyways. I'm taking a leap in sharing some of my most private thoughts and feelings and I feel better, even if some people won't understand why I did it. I'm not doing it for sympathy or words of encouragement and praise, I'm doing it so I can look back years from now and remember the struggles. And if I am able to help anyone else that is feeling the same way and maybe just doesn't know how to say it, then that's a total bonus for me. I hope that years from now I can look back at this post and be so proud of myself and how I climbed myself out of this dark valley of my life back to the peaks of another year. 

To anyone else that is feeling the same as I am...know that you are not alone! I am here struggling right along with you in the deep trenches of motherhood! Whether you are a mother of toddlers or teens I think we all struggle in our own ways.

One of the saddest things I've ever lived through

One week ago today this amazing, funny-as-hell, loving and caring lady took her last breath on this Earth and I couldn't have been more honored to have been welcomed to be there with her at the end.

Barb came into my life at the age of 10 and participated as an active co-parent, long after she and Wayne separated 17 years ago, and right up until she passed away. She never called me her step-daughter and would in fact get quite upset if any of us kids referred to each other as step-siblings. In her heart my brothers and I were hers just as much as her own three children were.

I loved her and she loved me, and I never once questioned that in my life. She loved me through the teenage years when I was flaky and totally boy crazy (and boy did she tease me and Mel for it!), through the hard years after her divorce from my dad, and the years we went between seeing each other. She celebrated our victories and shared in our heartbreaks and worries too. She traveled to PR for my wedding almost 11 years ago and did get to meet all 3 of my babies over the years.

My brothers and I were very fortunate to have her in our lives. She remained steadfast in her love for us no matter the circumstances. She helped us through some hard years where we struggled in our relationships with our dad and was always a listening ear when we needed her. I think the most special thing I can mention though about my Mom #2 (this was how she signed every single card to me ever) was the bond that she formed with my Mom #1 over the years. It was truly one that I believe all blended families should aspire to have. In the years since Barb & Wayne's divorce my mom and Barb have remained very close and I know my parents are mourning her loss right along with all of us. In the blog post I'm working on about her life and our relationship with her I will talk more about this special bond that my two mom's shared and how it is has impacted the lives of me and all 3 of my brothers.

I'm so sad for us that she's gone but so happy for her that she is no longer in pain and is at peace where she is. For the final year of her life she told us that she was ready to go when it was her time and I'm so glad that when that time came that it was relatively fast, painless and extremely peaceful. It was exactly how she had wanted it to go. She waited until all of her kids had been there to say goodbye and within hours of Joe arriving she took her last breath last Wednesday morning. I feel fortunate that I got some of her last lucid moments and even got some smiles, along with some cherished and mumbled "I love you's". I will always be so grateful that I made it there in time for her to recognize me and know I was there loving and supporting her through her final journey. Without the support of my mom and dad and Jim taking care of the kids while I was gone I never would have been able to be there. It takes a village to raise kids and a huge commitment from those around me to tell me to just go and be there. I know my mom wished she should could be there with us too, but also knew how much I needed her help with the kids in order for me to be free to go. I truly believe that Barb was grateful to her in the end as well.

RIP to my wonderful Mom #2. I will miss you and will always remember you.

Just a yucky flu!

The day after I returned from my trip to Alberta James woke up barfing at 5am. So I called in sick to work and spent the whole day with a miserable, lethargic and very sick little boy that couldn't even keep water down. By 5:30 that night we headed to the ER because I was worried he was getting dehydrated and because the Nurses Hotline Dr on call had me worried because she asked if he had hit his head and the day before he had fallen at T-ball. Within a matter of 12 hours the kid that thrown up over a dozen times.

So pitiful looking that Nana came and got Jordie to take him to daycare so I didn't have to take James anywhere

He finally fell asleep at about 2:30

Then woke up and moved over to my chair and promptly fell right back to sleep

At 5:30 we headed to the hospital and the poor kid just kept getting sick, on the way there and again while we were waiting.

Trying to eat a popsicle

Poor guy was pretty white and feeling pretty terrible BUT within about an hour from when this picture was taken he seemed way better. They gave him some anti-nausea thing under the tongue and he finally stopped throwing up!

Here he is the next day....he seemed totally fine but kept him home from school because his classmates were going on a field trip and I didn't want to take the chance of him getting anyone else sick!

Finally eating some real food!

Friday morning he woke up starving and asked to make a huge fruit smoothie before school. No, he didn't drink all of that, but he did have a huge mug of it along with a piece of toast.

Well about an hour later (and just 30 minutes after school started) I got the dreaded phone call from the school saying that James had thrown up in his classroom. YUCK! I was thankfully next door with Jordie at the preschool Strong Start program so I just ran over and got him and we made our way home. That afternoon I HAD to go to work so thankfully Auntie Mowat and Nana came to the rescue and agreed to watch my boys! He got sick one more time after supper on Saturday night and then seemed totally fine again. It was the weirdest flu ever.

Here is my Mother's Day morning photo....which happened about a half hour before Jordie projectile vomitted all over my chair (which then got on me...which anyone who knows me well knows that I was completely grossed out!)

This was our yummy Sunday dinner that my auntie put together for us because we didn't want to subject others to the awful flu

Later that afternoon he seemed fine but we made him stay close to his bucket (we called it his buddy)

Poor little fellow just wanted to snuggle

Then we went outside to get some fresh air and he looked so normal

Then the next day he went to Nana's for the afternoon but snuggled with Mommy all morning

I didn't want to take Jordie to the school on Monday morning so thankfully Aidan Parkin walked over to pick up James for me

So on Tuesday he seemed fine again so we sent him back to Debbie's house where he seemed okay, just to find out that at the end of the day he threw up again there. :(

Here he was Wednesday morning....looking happy and back to normal. 

Sadly he got sick again on Thursday so his little flu was so random and spread out over 5 days that we just kept wondering if he was really truly better. 

James on the other hand went a full 7 days between getting sick. The following Saturday morning just 2 days after Jordie finished getting sick, James woke up at the family garage sale and just didn't seem right. He got sick that morning, and again that night when he was with the new babysitter, and again in the middle of the night. 

It really was such a terrible week in our world! Jimmy woke up on Saturday morning and spent a bunch of the day on the couch but didn't actually get sick and even more lucky for me I didn't catch it at all!

Well that kind of hit me like a ton of bricks!

I honestly can't even remember the last time that I've had a Crohn's attack but within a few hours of the pain starting a few weeks ago I knew I was in for at least a rough night, if not much longer.

The pain started around 4pm and I thought at first it was just a back ache from sitting so much so I struggled through my last 2 hours of work. I came home from work at 6 and climbed into a hot bath. It was then I realized it was likely much worse than than just a back ache and I started to recognize the signs as a possible attack. While in the bath I called my mom to ask her to take her phone to bed with her, just in case we had to call her in the night to come and sit with the boys.

I took two Gravol and went to bed at 7:45 hoping and praying that the pain would subside and I would be able to sleep it off. No such luck, While Jim watched a show beside me I would sleep in 3-5 minute intervals interrupted by severe pain in my back and upper abdomen. Finally at 10 pm knowing that it wasn't going away and thinking that soon the vomiting would start, I told Jim it was time to go to the hospital (knowing that likely my mom would still be awake). She was here a little bit later and we were off.

We were so thankful that when we got to the hospital that the ER was completely EMPTY. Not a single patient that I could see. This is rare for our hospital and in fact it was around 6 years ago (thanks FB memories) that I went in there for an attack and waited 2.5 hours (in even worse pain than this current night) on a stretcher in the middle of the waiting room (for all of the other waiting patients to see.) It was truly a horrific night in my life and has made me rethink waiting at home for the pain to get that bad before going in, just in case the ER is ever that bad again.

Within a few minutes I saw my favorite ER doctor making his way over to me and saying "Kim, you're back again, it's been awhile since we've seen you." A few minutes later a 4th year nursing student (who recognized me from my niece Tyanna's FB) asked me if she could start my IV for me and although I was trying to be patient with her as she tried to find a good vein and then stuck me I was in so much pain and felt so much relief when another nurse came and got the IV in right away and just a few minutes later the pain relief was flowing into my veins.

I'm all about honesty on this blog and this is honestly how terrible I looked in pain around 11pm...this was right after the first dose of morphine and Gravol hit me.

By about 3am I was feeling a little better and thankfully hadn't started throwing up yet so thought I was in the clear and maybe I'd be able to go home and spare myself the horrors of some other attacks. Jim was anxious to get home because he had texted my mom an hour before saying we might be coming home, plus he was still planning on working that day. The doctor wrote me some prescriptions and gave me some painkillers and anti nauseants to take home with me and I was just about to have the nurse bandage up my IV (I said I'd go home with it in just case) and then I started getting sick and it was truly all down hill from there. For the next 7 or so hours I was horribly ill and it seemed like no matter what they gave me nothing helped. The morphine was making me so sick but the getting sick was making the cramping pains so bad that nothing could make the pain go away. They finally switched me to hydromorphone which is way stronger than morphine but had to keep trying different anti-nauseants to try and keep me from throwing up (nothing was helping at this point it was just hours of getting sick...truly horrible!). When the pain was really bad about 4am they called in an X-ray tech to take some pictures to see if I had an intestinal blockage. The overnight doctor said he didn't think there was one but they wanted to keep me until I at least was feeling a little bit better or they could get the pain under control.

My poor rock star of a hubby finally fell asleep sitting up at sometime around 5am.

 I think you can tell by the look on my face how horribly miserable I was around this time.

Jim finally left my side at 6:15 in the morning to get home to relieve my mom (who had to work that day) and to get the boys ready for the day to go to the daycare. He returned to my side around 9:15 and stayed until the day shift doctor said they were going to admit me because he did think that based on the x-rays and how I was feeling that there was a possible obstruction. The doctor wanted me to stay there until my pain was under control and we could determine if my body could tolerate food after the attack.

By about noon my parents had stopped to visit me in the ER and Jim was headed home to have a sleep while my Auntie Susan sat with me for the afternoon. I was moved into a somewhat private room off the ER where I was finally able to get a little bit of sleep while we waited for them to admit me to the 4th floor.

That night I had a few special visitors who were excited to see me, and to look out my room's window

After they left I settled in for some Family Feud and chicken broth...or maybe it was tea...they are served in the same cups!

Jim brought me my stuffy (without me asking) and I was so happy. Yes, I am 35 years old and I sleep with this thing every single night. My mom actually bought it for me in the hospital gift shop when I had a bad attack years ago shortly after we moved to PR.

Friday morning I wasn't hungry at all and I'm not a huge fan of Jello, but I did eat some of it.

My full breakfast on Friday morning

My view on Friday morning while my kids were painting Easter eggs and playing outside at the Parkins. Jenn was so wonderful for watching the boys for Jim that day for a few hours so he could get the house cleaned up a bit before my brother and Doris and Roger arrived for the weekend.

SERIOUSLY...How disgusting does that look? Like, what the hell is that mystery meat? I ate the potatoes because by this point I was pretty damn hungry (I had only eaten a little bit of Jello since Wednesday afternoon at 2 when I ate my last meal). Jim however showed up a few minutes later and polished off the mystery meat and pureed peas.

Drinking my tea from a coffee cup. Yuck...

Trying to pass the time

Dinner...ground up quiche and carrots. You think this is bad though, my poor roommate guy who didn't have any dietary restrictions got a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for dinner, with some carrots and a small bowl of canned pear pieces. The soup he was supposed to get didn't show up.

The soup was tortilla flavoured and it was okay once the nurse heated it up for me because mine was cold. Pretty much I only ate a few bites of soup and the vanilla yogurt that I requested (and was told that I wouldn't get because apparently yogurt isn't considered a semi-soft food!). Can someone please tell me what it is then?? It's certainly not a clear fluid and definitely isn't solid so what would you call it?? Anyways, I would have flipped if they hadn't brought me that yogurt that night. By Friday night I was getting pretty hungry but was also terrified to eat too!

My boys came to visit and show me the eggs they painted at the Parkins house.

Oh yeah, they got bored quickly so they played on the iPad while Jim and I visited

 At least they smiled for the pic...kind of...

Getting pretty tired of this stupid thing

Had to take it everywhere with me and remember to plug the stupid thing back in when I got back into bed.

My last breakfast...seriously...pureed toast with jam?? No frigging way was I gonna eat that. I ate a few bites of the eggs and they were okay...but man was I glad to be released a little bit later and get home to eat some chocolate pudding! 

I drink this medicine every morning but never mixed in just water. This was so gross and I know now why I always mix it with orange juice or in a smoothie. It is truly disgusting stuff (but has absolutely changed my life in the last few years...a post about that coming soon!)

Jordie wanting to "help" me with my pudding

I think he's happy I'm home

Huge thank you's to those that came to visit me in the hospital. It's long and lonely hours being in there and I so appreciated those that made the effort to stop by and say hello, even if just for a little bit! I hope to stay out of that place for a long time!