We are still committed to being a family

I know that many people won't understand why I feel the need or desire to write a post like this, but in my heart it's what I need in order to move forward. It's about living my truth and who I am.

Some will say it's for attention, but to me it's really not. It's about being my authentic self and sharing the thoughts that are on my heart about this very painful topic. It's how I feel I will move forward in my own healing. If you don't respect that, that's okay. I'm not writing it for you, I'm writing it for me.

On January 1st, Jim and I made the incredibly painful decision to separate after almost 22 years together. Almost exactly half of our lives.

I remember seeing a post like this quite a few years ago from a couple and I remember thinking how great it was that they were just open and honest. Our town is painfully small and the rumor mill is sometimes awful. I'm hoping by putting my own words here that there will be no more questions or rumors floating around. I've had the same discussions so many times over the last 6 weeks; every time someone new finds out that we are no longer together. I get being curious (I usually am too), but I admit that being on this side of it is hard and I'm hoping that those that do still have questions will feel comfortable to come to me and ask, rather than talking about me behind my back.

I'm open to talking about it as I feel that not enough people do. Marriage is hard, separation is hard...it's all hard and I appreciate real honest conversations over people speculating. I'm not ashamed of this decision and if you have questions, ask me...but also know that I have randomly started crying a few times so this is your warning now. And if you offer me a hug, I guarantee I'll take it😊

As I'm sure anyone reading this can understand, this decision did not come without a lot of hard discussions about what we both want for our future, and truly with our kid's best interests at heart.

Through all of these big life changes; James, Jordie and Kennedy will continue to be our main focus. They will always matter more than anything else and we are both committed to that.

We've tried hard over the last few years to make our marriage work, and the last 6 months brought some big realizations that simply put, we just aren't each other's person anymore. I believe that there is still a lot of love for one another as the mother/father of our children, but we just aren't in love anymore. There are so many things that we still love about each other and there are many fun moments that we are still able to share together too. On many days we still very much enjoy each other's company and as you can imagine that has made this decision that much harder to come to.

Anyone who has been where I am likely knows how truly heartbreaking of a realization that is, especially when there isn't a lot of hate and anger involved. Instead there is just a lot of sadness and regrets and deep wishes that things had gone differently. Even though in my heart I know I tried, it still feels like a failure any time I think about it. I wanted more for my kids, but sometimes in life this is just how it goes and I can accept that. Both Jim and I came from divorced parents and we had hoped our kids wouldn't; but we also don't believe in staying married just for the sake of our kids either. We both want more for our lives than that and truly believe our kids deserve more than that too. I want to show them all the happiest and healthiest versions of both Jim and I. That is what I feel they deserve, even if this is a painful time for us all to get through.

I believe that both Jim and I amazing human beings who have grown and changed a lot in our years together and sadly we've just grown in different directions. We met at 22 and truly and honestly, we grew up alongside each other. We had many many great years together, but also some really hard years too. We navigated a lot of challenging things over our time together. A chronic illness for me with hospitalizations, surgeries and sickness, etc, a big move for Jim away from his whole family to live closer to my family, a wedding, buying our first home together, countless job changes and education opportunities, camp work for Jim and being away when our boys were little, a few new careers, welcoming a third baby in a complicated and scary pregnancy and delivery, a global pandemic, the sale of our first home and the purchase of our dream home, ridiculously busy and complicated kid's and volunteer schedules, and so many other ups and downs.

I don't think anyone enters into this chapter of life without feeling like there is more to life ahead. I have the best of hopes that Jim and I can continue to be great friends through our next 10 years of co-parenting. We are committed to raising our kids together and we both feel that as long as we focus on how much we love them and try not to focus on the hurt feelings between us, that our kids will always win out in the end. I hope to be playing crib with Jimmy for many years to come. It's the best way that we connect and I really hope that there are so many more games to be played in our future.

These family photos were taken just a few days before Christmas. We had already seriously discussed separating but didn't want to tell the kids until the new year. When I look at these photos I will always remember that they were our last ones as an official married family...but in saying that, I really hope that in the years to come we will take many more family photos together. 

I truly believe in my heart that Jim and I have the ability to be best friends who raise our kids together. It is our goal and our best hope. 

I'll share another post soon with the rest of the photos!

For now, and if you got this far and you're wondering because I know it's the number one question I've been asked when people find out about our separation...where are we both going to live? Our goal and hope for now is to share our home so we both continue to have daily access to our kids. We are very fortunate that our home has two fully self contained suites in it. Kennedy and I's bedrooms are upstairs and all 3 of the boys bedrooms are downstairs. The basement suite has all of the same amenities as the upstairs does, just on a smaller scale. It's got a full kitchen, good sized living/dining room, laundry room and two bathrooms. It will be an adjustment for all of us but we are doing all that we can to do what's best for our kids and for now, this is it. Who knows what the future holds for the Barrows family, but we knew we had to at least try this living arrangement before making the very painful decision to sell our home and live separately and share the kids. As I said above...It is our goal and our best hope💗

Funny Friday ~ I couldn't wait to have a daughter to take cute pictures with....

And this is what I got...

This kid KILLS me every single day. She says the craziest things and never hesitates to give you the finger if she feels its appropriate. I'm not going to lie, I'm terrified of the teen years with this kid! Hahahahahahah

Why does she look so grown up these days?!

Time is just going at a ridiculous speed now. Seriously, some days it feels like she's years older than she is, until she sneaks into my bed for snuggles, or asks me lay with her and sing to her every night. Then I remember that she really is still just my tiny little human, just 6 years old. She is so wise beyond her years though and I feel like I'm going to blink and these years will be gone, so I'm taking ALL the snuggles and singing all of the songs, because I KNOW that before I know it she won't want those things from me anymore.

It's true what they say, you really have to slow down and truly cherish the moments with all of your kids, but especially that last baby you'll ever have! 

Seriously...how cute is she in this photo taken last weekend at the beach in her new tankini?! 

Sneaking in a photo with her puppers!

I've never seen a kid love vegetables like this kid does! 

Selfie Sunday - My favorites from the past few months!

 Lots of different things we've done in the past few months, and if I didn't take any selfies of me doing stuff with the kids, there wouldn't be photos of me at all. I may not always love the way I look in these photos, but I love these kids and want them to have photos of me when I'm gone. I want them to be able to look back through this blog too and see all the fun stuff we did together. So, here we go with my favorites from the past 2 months.

Grade 7 dance night! 

Evening walk with my littles.

Another evening walk with Jordie and Koda...this has become our thing this past month when the other two don't want to join us.

So many walks for me and Jordie and Koda! 

Grade 7 trip to Wildplay

Me and my fur boy at the ball park

A walk and bike ride with Kennedy and Koda

Dance show night! 

Another walk...this one was on a sick day home from school (hence the PJ's in the middle of the day!)

Date morning at RCC.

Baseball park smiles!

These are some of my favorites...from the district Track Meet! 

Starbucks and Canadian Tire shopping trip to celebrate his birthday! 

Followed by a walk with Dad and Koda.

3 Chicken Farm field trip with Kennedy's kindergarten class! 

A Wednesday morning spent babysitting and snuggling with Baby Gabby!

An evening at the beach before bedtime

Mothers' Day hike through the trails at mom's request.

FFF walk on the sea wall

James and I's trip to Comox for an eye appointment! 

Just because I think they are adorable!

Here are my favorite recent pictures of my 4 loves! 

💙💙💙❤️🐾

Wildplay day for James and Dad. This is a day that I know I'll never forget! We both really loved getting to see him do something that he loved, right along with some of his best friends from school. Total heart warming day for us as his parents.

This is the lunch she packed for herself the other day! Never have to worry about this kid, prefers the fruits and veggies over anything else. I hope this continues on in her life because getting the oldest one to eat anything healthy these days is sometimes quite the battle!  

My two walking buddies. I see many more hours ahead of us in the next two months of evenings walks along the sea wall in the setting sun and cool breeze. I have loved these moments with my middle boy so much and treasure these times because I know how fast it could change where he won't want to spend any time with me. I'll take any chance I get to spend time with my kids and spending it doing something active is even better!

And of course just because...this guy is maybe the cutest of them all! Pretty sure I already shared this photo on this blog and IG/FB, but I LOVE it so I'm sharing it again! 

She grew something...

She definitely didn't get a green thumb from me. I kill every living thing I get...except for my kids (those I've managed to keep alive 13 years already!)

Our neighbours are the BEST people and last summer they came over and together with Kennedy they weeded the raised garden bed and threw some seeds into it and hoped for the best. We got one small head of lettuce last year that was attacked by a slug and some deer and that was it, our season was done. Not a single thing they planted actually survived to be eaten.  Hahahahaha....right about par for my growing abilities!!

Fast forward to about a month ago and I look out and see the girls gardening once again in the back yard. There was one small head of lettuce started so they weeded the rest of the bed and got to planting once more...and again we hope for the best! 

Last night they came over to check the garden and told Kennedy it was time to pick this GIANT head of lettuce that had grown in the past few weeks. 

She was so proud of herself...and now the plans are starting for a big veggie garden next year. 

Peppers, cucumbers, lettuce, carrots, berries...we'll see if we can actually pull it off!

But for now, she's just thrilled with this victory!