Happy Family Day everyone

Our Family Day wasn't like other's we've had in the past. We had no hockey tournament to be at and no games to watch. We had nothing on our schedule which for us is super rare. We had a slow morning, then we all headed out for a nice beach walk in the sunshine. We ordered in take-out for dinner and then finished the evening with some board games and early bedtimes in preparation for the busy week ahead. 

It was a bit an odd and hard day, but we are really trying to still spend some time as a family and it was nice. It's not always easy, but we are trying. 

Our reasons for trying

We are still committed to being a family

I know that many people won't understand why I feel the need or desire to write a post like this, but in my heart it's what I need in order to move forward. It's about living my truth and who I am.

Some will say it's for attention, but to me it's really not. It's about being my authentic self and sharing the thoughts that are on my heart about this very painful topic. It's how I feel I will move forward in my own healing. If you don't respect that, that's okay. I'm not writing it for you, I'm writing it for me.

On January 1st, Jim and I made the incredibly painful decision to separate after almost 22 years together. Almost exactly half of our lives.

I remember seeing a post like this quite a few years ago from a couple and I remember thinking how great it was that they were just open and honest. Our town is painfully small and the rumor mill is sometimes awful. I'm hoping by putting my own words here that there will be no more questions or rumors floating around. I've had the same discussions so many times over the last 6 weeks; every time someone new finds out that we are no longer together. I get being curious (I usually am too), but I admit that being on this side of it is hard and I'm hoping that those that do still have questions will feel comfortable to come to me and ask, rather than talking about me behind my back.

I'm open to talking about it as I feel that not enough people do. Marriage is hard, separation is hard...it's all hard and I appreciate real honest conversations over people speculating. I'm not ashamed of this decision and if you have questions, ask me...but also know that I have randomly started crying a few times so this is your warning now. And if you offer me a hug, I guarantee I'll take it😊

As I'm sure anyone reading this can understand, this decision did not come without a lot of hard discussions about what we both want for our future, and truly with our kid's best interests at heart.

Through all of these big life changes; James, Jordie and Kennedy will continue to be our main focus. They will always matter more than anything else and we are both committed to that.

We've tried hard over the last few years to make our marriage work, and the last 6 months brought some big realizations that simply put, we just aren't each other's person anymore. I believe that there is still a lot of love for one another as the mother/father of our children, but we just aren't in love anymore. There are so many things that we still love about each other and there are many fun moments that we are still able to share together too. On many days we still very much enjoy each other's company and as you can imagine that has made this decision that much harder to come to.

Anyone who has been where I am likely knows how truly heartbreaking of a realization that is, especially when there isn't a lot of hate and anger involved. Instead there is just a lot of sadness and regrets and deep wishes that things had gone differently. Even though in my heart I know I tried, it still feels like a failure any time I think about it. I wanted more for my kids, but sometimes in life this is just how it goes and I can accept that. Both Jim and I came from divorced parents and we had hoped our kids wouldn't; but we also don't believe in staying married just for the sake of our kids either. We both want more for our lives than that and truly believe our kids deserve more than that too. I want to show them all the happiest and healthiest versions of both Jim and I. That is what I feel they deserve, even if this is a painful time for us all to get through.

I believe that both Jim and I amazing human beings who have grown and changed a lot in our years together and sadly we've just grown in different directions. We met at 22 and truly and honestly, we grew up alongside each other. We had many many great years together, but also some really hard years too. We navigated a lot of challenging things over our time together. A chronic illness for me with hospitalizations, surgeries and sickness, etc, a big move for Jim away from his whole family to live closer to my family, a wedding, buying our first home together, countless job changes and education opportunities, camp work for Jim and being away when our boys were little, a few new careers, welcoming a third baby in a complicated and scary pregnancy and delivery, a global pandemic, the sale of our first home and the purchase of our dream home, ridiculously busy and complicated kid's and volunteer schedules, and so many other ups and downs.

I don't think anyone enters into this chapter of life without feeling like there is more to life ahead. I have the best of hopes that Jim and I can continue to be great friends through our next 10 years of co-parenting. We are committed to raising our kids together and we both feel that as long as we focus on how much we love them and try not to focus on the hurt feelings between us, that our kids will always win out in the end. I hope to be playing crib with Jimmy for many years to come. It's the best way that we connect and I really hope that there are so many more games to be played in our future.

These family photos were taken just a few days before Christmas. We had already seriously discussed separating but didn't want to tell the kids until the new year. When I look at these photos I will always remember that they were our last ones as an official married family...but in saying that, I really hope that in the years to come we will take many more family photos together. 

I truly believe in my heart that Jim and I have the ability to be best friends who raise our kids together. It is our goal and our best hope. 

I'll share another post soon with the rest of the photos!

For now, and if you got this far and you're wondering because I know it's the number one question I've been asked when people find out about our separation...where are we both going to live? Our goal and hope for now is to share our home so we both continue to have daily access to our kids. We are very fortunate that our home has two fully self contained suites in it. Kennedy and I's bedrooms are upstairs and all 3 of the boys bedrooms are downstairs. The basement suite has all of the same amenities as the upstairs does, just on a smaller scale. It's got a full kitchen, good sized living/dining room, laundry room and two bathrooms. It will be an adjustment for all of us but we are doing all that we can to do what's best for our kids and for now, this is it. Who knows what the future holds for the Barrows family, but we knew we had to at least try this living arrangement before making the very painful decision to sell our home and live separately and share the kids. As I said above...It is our goal and our best hope💗

I found myself apologizing to my boys and it was a very powerful moment for me

I'm posting this photo because when I see it, it makes me think of a moment on our vacation to Texada that I want to share about here so I never forget about it. 

A few days after this photo was taken I was on the beach again sitting just like this but without my phone, just playing in the sand with my kids surrounding me. We were laughing and I was loving our time together. We had spent time running in the water and splashing around and then we had settled on the beach and they were burying me in the sand. 

We were talking about how much fun we were having while on vacation and it was then that I had a huge AHA moment where I looked at my boys and said....

"I'm sorry that I wasn't this mom when you guys were Kennedy's age"

It hit me like a ton of bricks in that moment, that when they were little I almost NEVER put on a bathing suit and went to the beach with them. Of course I did other stuff with them like going to playgrounds and baseball tournaments, but I never remember ever being with them like THIS. I told them that I wished that I had been a better mom to them and been able and willing to make myself uncomfortable to give them a better childhood.

You see, back then, I was the mom that just took all the photos instead of actually PLAYING with my kids. I was in my own head about what I looked like and felt like and was just never comfortable in my skin. We never walked anywhere just for fun, we didn't hike or ride bikes or go on adventures. We sat in our house and played board games and watched movies. I was overweight and really out of shape and any physical activity made my uncomfortable. My skin would itch and I would be out of breath really quickly and it embarrassed me horribly. 

That moment on the beach was so very heartwarming for a few reasons. The best for me as a mom was that both James and Jordan took in what I said and then looked at me with so much love and compassion and said "it's okay Mom" and I know in my heart that they can see the new me for who I am now. They are experiencing the new mom in other ways than just playing at the beach. I know they see the changes I've made in the past 4 years and I know they appreciate the more active mom that I am now. We regularly go on walks together, we ride bikes when we're camping, we paddleboard, we swim (another thing I only ever did at the pool a few times a year), we hike to waterfalls and explore new trails whenever we can. 

Here we are on one of our hikes along the nature trail at Shelter Point! 

The second reason that the moment mattered so much is that it opened up a conversation between all of us about being active and doing our best at everything in life. I felt like in that moment Kennedy really connected with me and got a sense as to how lucky she was to be getting the mom that she has. We talked about the past and the future and all the amazing ways that we can be active and spend time as a family. But the best part was a few weeks later we were somewhere (maybe a family dinner?) and I heard her relaying the story to someone about how mommy had apologized to the boys for not being the mom that I am to her now. It meant the world to me that I knew that she really got what that conversation on the beach that day was all about. 

My goal in being her mom is no different than being the boy's mom, but I just view it a bit differently. My role for all 3 of them feels so different on any given day. I parent them all so similarly and so differently too. They all need different things from me and I really try very hard to give them all that they need, even if some days it leaves me feeling so completely overstimulated, over touched and with very little patience for them or time for me.

This year I've forced myself to put on the bikini and just roll with it. I never want my girlie to be ashamed of her body the way that I have been, so I'm showing her that women at ANY SIZE can and SHOULD wear the bikini. There are still many ways that I would like to change my body and work at being fitter and stronger, but there is no sense or comfort in covering it up until that day comes. I am trying hard to love the body that I see in the mirror for all that it has given me. I don't love it all every day, but I sure do try to show up in this world as the best person that I can be, on the inside and the outside.   

I'm not proud of every word I say or action I do with my kids (I know I screw up plenty) but in the whole general sense of my life, I feel like I'm doing a pretty damn good job with these tiny humans of mine. They are all friendly and funny and overall kind human beings. The one thing I try to remember to tell them every single day is to BE A GOOD HUMAN! 

I know I've worked really hard to improve myself over the past 4 years and knowing that they see it is truly all that matters. When I am done raising them, all I can hope is that they look back and know I always had their back and loved them no matter what....even if I wasn't the mom that played on the beach all those years ago.

Just because I think they are adorable!

Here are my favorite recent pictures of my 4 loves! 

💙💙💙❤️🐾

Wildplay day for James and Dad. This is a day that I know I'll never forget! We both really loved getting to see him do something that he loved, right along with some of his best friends from school. Total heart warming day for us as his parents.

This is the lunch she packed for herself the other day! Never have to worry about this kid, prefers the fruits and veggies over anything else. I hope this continues on in her life because getting the oldest one to eat anything healthy these days is sometimes quite the battle!  

My two walking buddies. I see many more hours ahead of us in the next two months of evenings walks along the sea wall in the setting sun and cool breeze. I have loved these moments with my middle boy so much and treasure these times because I know how fast it could change where he won't want to spend any time with me. I'll take any chance I get to spend time with my kids and spending it doing something active is even better!

And of course just because...this guy is maybe the cutest of them all! Pretty sure I already shared this photo on this blog and IG/FB, but I LOVE it so I'm sharing it again! 

From then….to now!

Baby Kennedy….still in the hospital, maybe 3 days old? This takes me back to those long hard first days with her, our last tiny little human we would bring home with us. 

In general, I don’t think she looks a lot like she did as a baby, and then I see this photo and I totally see the similarities!

Every time anyone in our family sees this photo it’s always the same reaction….”aaawww, it’s big fat Jordie!”  He was seriously the cutest chubbiest baby I had. He was a pretty serious baby so when we did get smiles from him they were so cherished. 

His smiles and big brown eyes still melt me like they did almost 10 years ago!!

This is probably my favourite photo of James as a baby! His first smile captured and I have never forgotten this picture through the years!

If he didn’t wear glasses I think he would look a lot like what he looked like as a baby!

Just a puppy dog and his kids

We all feel like we hit the doggy jackpot with our Koda Bear. He has fit into our lives beautifully and we have all fallen in love with him. I'm sure another adjustment is coming for him and for us when we transition back into school/work/hockey, etc, but we are determined to get him out on a walk every day and give him all the love and attention that he desires. Lots of evening and weekend adventures to come in the spring and summer months with the days getting longer and the weather starting to warm up a bit in the coming months too. We can't wait to try this guy out on our paddleboards and out camping and see how he does with two of our favorite activities :) 

For now...here are my favorite photos of him with each of the kids. 

This kid NEEDED a dog in his life. We always knew he'd be the best big brother to a fur kid and we were right. He loves him so much and you can tell Koda loves him too.

I'm amazed every time we take him for a walk how good he does both on leash and off leash. His recall is great and he doesn't pull much at all and is easily corrected if he does.

This has been the trickiest relationship for us to navigate since getting Koda. He was really quite intimidating for Kennedy the first week that we had him. He is a big dog and was trying to herd her which resulted in some scary nipping, a LOT of tears and some real genuine fear on her part. She was a really brave girl and has worked through her fear (with us never leaving them alone anywhere together) while we worked really closely with Koda to ensure he understood that she was the boss and he had to be gentle with her. I won't lie...there were a few tough days that I feared we would have to give him back, but I knew with time and patience we would get to where we are now. They have an understanding...but I don't know that there is total love and trust there yet. I'm sure it will be different down the road, but for now he's still much bigger than her and I still occasionally see the faintest look of fear on her face. We are very careful with him and have noticed a few trigger moments that we need to work on with him to ensure that everyone is safe with him. 

Both the kid and the dog have the best smiles! 

Being a brand new dog owner has had it's challenges for sure, but I still feel like we 100% made the right decision in getting him, and we plan to love him as part of our family for as long as he is alive. We waited a really long time to take the plunge into the dog ownership world, but we feel like he was totally worth the wait. 

How much longer will he want to spend quality time with me?

I've always heard that once your kid turns 14 that it's all bets off and they don't want to be anywhere near you. I sure hope that's not true and that this handsome guy continues to want to go for walks with me on rainy days. After school yesterday he asked if he could come with me for my walk and we ended up having a great half hour together. 

Yes he still holds my hand, and yes I have his permission to post this photo too :) 

He's such a sweet boy and sure loves his Mama. He promises me that he will still like me when he's in his teens so I'm going to keep this post and show it to him a few years down the road :) 

Halloween 2021

Another year of Halloween is done! I'm not sad to see the day be done for another 364 more days :) 
Anyone who knows me knows I don't love the day (actually I really really dislike it), but I always suck it up and take my kids out because once we get going I always have fun watching them be kids and loving it. I tell myself it's only a few hours of my time and then it's done again. The smiles and laughter and fun is always worth it for me.

This year we had a unicorn fairy, a Sidney Crosby hockey player and a bandit. When we asked James why he wanted to be something similar to what he was last year he replied that because they got trick or treating taken away last year that he wanted to really enjoy the costume :)

I think this might be the last year for these costumes. Jim wasn't nearly as enthusiastic about wearing them as he has been in past years. Maybe it's time for something new! Any suggestions for EASY costumes, let me know!

She was SO excited to get out there this year!

This might be my new favorite random candid photo taken of her in a long time! So natural and smiley.

He refused to wear the helmet but looked so darn cute in his buddy's Crosby jersey!

James has been talking about taking a pillow case trick or treating for years now, and this year his dream came true. Not only did he get to take it, he also got to stay out with his dad and brother long after KJ and I were done!

Very proud of her first pumpkin ever. She designed it and her daddy carved it.

We haven't done pumpkins for years, but the kids loved them this year.

First home we always hit is Dot and Lyle Campbell's house!

Then moving on to Auntie Sheri and Uncle Keith's house.

Yearly photo with Auntie Sheri

Moving onto the neighbourhood up near Deb & Jerry's house!

She was on a mission and didn't want to wait for her boys to catch up.

I LOVE this photo of the three of them!

Whew...Mom is almost done!

And just moments later this little lady was done too! We did about 3 more houses and then we were off to home while the boys finished off a few more blocks and walked their way home.

So excited to dump out her haul!

Showing Nana her treats!

Yeah I'd say she did pretty good!

An hour later and the boys are home with their pillowcases and ready to do the dump and look!

Full size bar right before bed? Sure buddy, it's Halloween and no school tomorrow!

Huge special treat bag from Sheri & Keith and BIG chocolate bar from Michele & Ken!

Spoiled rotten and loving every second of the day! 

Another year is done and I'm ready to get started on Christmas now!