Then after school I called Papa to check in on the boys and asked James if he was practicing his Student Creed for karate. Papa said he was doing it and had in fact nailed it on his first try and was hoping he could get tested on it today during class. Then the dreaded words that no mother wants to hear "mom, are you able to come to karate today to watch me?" I literally felt my heart break in two and even thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. I would love nothing more than to see him doing something that he loves so much and has been working so hard on, but I just couldn't get away today after starting late because of the morning field trip. I wish that I could make it to everything that he does, but I just can't, and I knew that when I signed him up for it, but it's still hard. I was reminded today by my sister when I was upset about it that at least he has people that love him and support him that are there watching him...and that is what he will remember, not that I couldn't go. I know how lucky I am that my parents have committed to helping us get him to karate two days a week because without them it would be a sport that he just wouldn't be able to participate in and we are grateful that he can, because I know he is getting so much out of it.
I'm not sure if it's just a subtle shift I'm feeling because I'm pregnant and hormonal but I've noticed some changes in my boys the past week or so. Jordie has told me a few times that he doesn't want me to go to work, or he doesn't want to go to school or that he's going to miss me a lot when I'm gone to work which he never seemed to care about before. I don't know whether he just senses his little world is going to change, or what it is, but I'm definitely noticing it. And with James, I think the hard thing is that he KNOWS how much his world is going to change, and as much as he's excited about the new baby, I'm sensing that it's weighing on him too.
Now for the other side of it...times when my heart just wants to burst wide open with love. I called and talked quickly after school and the very first thing out of James's mouth was "how is the baby doing today Mom?" and Jordie this morning asked me if he could give the baby a kiss good morning and say hi. They are just too cute and even though I know their worlds are going to change drastically with a new sibling, I have so much faith in the little men that they are that they are going to rise to the occasion and be the best big brothers in the world.
So, this post is really all about the mom guilt that I feel. I feel like I have to work to support our family, but I also wish I could be there for everything for my boys. I know how fortunate I am to be able to be there when I can because I know other mom's who can't. My job is relatively flexible and with some pre-planning and help from my coworkers and boss I'm going to be able to go to watch James's karate sometimes, which I know will make both of us very happy! I think all parents feel some guilt about what they can't do, but I hope that other parents can look at what they can do and try to focus on that instead...I know it's what I'm trying to do!
I needed some extra snuggles tonight so I suggested a bedtime Blaze episode all together in
mom and dad's bed. I loved every second of the extra quiet time with my two loves!
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