I found myself apologizing to my boys and it was a very powerful moment for me

I'm posting this photo because when I see it, it makes me think of a moment on our vacation to Texada that I want to share about here so I never forget about it. 

A few days after this photo was taken I was on the beach again sitting just like this but without my phone, just playing in the sand with my kids surrounding me. We were laughing and I was loving our time together. We had spent time running in the water and splashing around and then we had settled on the beach and they were burying me in the sand. 

We were talking about how much fun we were having while on vacation and it was then that I had a huge AHA moment where I looked at my boys and said....

"I'm sorry that I wasn't this mom when you guys were Kennedy's age"

It hit me like a ton of bricks in that moment, that when they were little I almost NEVER put on a bathing suit and went to the beach with them. Of course I did other stuff with them like going to playgrounds and baseball tournaments, but I never remember ever being with them like THIS. I told them that I wished that I had been a better mom to them and been able and willing to make myself uncomfortable to give them a better childhood.

You see, back then, I was the mom that just took all the photos instead of actually PLAYING with my kids. I was in my own head about what I looked like and felt like and was just never comfortable in my skin. We never walked anywhere just for fun, we didn't hike or ride bikes or go on adventures. We sat in our house and played board games and watched movies. I was overweight and really out of shape and any physical activity made my uncomfortable. My skin would itch and I would be out of breath really quickly and it embarrassed me horribly. 

That moment on the beach was so very heartwarming for a few reasons. The best for me as a mom was that both James and Jordan took in what I said and then looked at me with so much love and compassion and said "it's okay Mom" and I know in my heart that they can see the new me for who I am now. They are experiencing the new mom in other ways than just playing at the beach. I know they see the changes I've made in the past 4 years and I know they appreciate the more active mom that I am now. We regularly go on walks together, we ride bikes when we're camping, we paddleboard, we swim (another thing I only ever did at the pool a few times a year), we hike to waterfalls and explore new trails whenever we can. 

Here we are on one of our hikes along the nature trail at Shelter Point! 

The second reason that the moment mattered so much is that it opened up a conversation between all of us about being active and doing our best at everything in life. I felt like in that moment Kennedy really connected with me and got a sense as to how lucky she was to be getting the mom that she has. We talked about the past and the future and all the amazing ways that we can be active and spend time as a family. But the best part was a few weeks later we were somewhere (maybe a family dinner?) and I heard her relaying the story to someone about how mommy had apologized to the boys for not being the mom that I am to her now. It meant the world to me that I knew that she really got what that conversation on the beach that day was all about. 

My goal in being her mom is no different than being the boy's mom, but I just view it a bit differently. My role for all 3 of them feels so different on any given day. I parent them all so similarly and so differently too. They all need different things from me and I really try very hard to give them all that they need, even if some days it leaves me feeling so completely overstimulated, over touched and with very little patience for them or time for me.

This year I've forced myself to put on the bikini and just roll with it. I never want my girlie to be ashamed of her body the way that I have been, so I'm showing her that women at ANY SIZE can and SHOULD wear the bikini. There are still many ways that I would like to change my body and work at being fitter and stronger, but there is no sense or comfort in covering it up until that day comes. I am trying hard to love the body that I see in the mirror for all that it has given me. I don't love it all every day, but I sure do try to show up in this world as the best person that I can be, on the inside and the outside.   

I'm not proud of every word I say or action I do with my kids (I know I screw up plenty) but in the whole general sense of my life, I feel like I'm doing a pretty damn good job with these tiny humans of mine. They are all friendly and funny and overall kind human beings. The one thing I try to remember to tell them every single day is to BE A GOOD HUMAN! 

I know I've worked really hard to improve myself over the past 4 years and knowing that they see it is truly all that matters. When I am done raising them, all I can hope is that they look back and know I always had their back and loved them no matter what....even if I wasn't the mom that played on the beach all those years ago.