For me...without a doubt....it's just some time for me. Don't get me wrong, I've been very fortunate in the past several months to get two weekends away to be with some of my favorite girls and recharge my batteries, and those two trips were amazing, but what I mean is just total alone time. Just me, my computer, my camera, some yummy food and maybe a spa thrown in there too. I would give my right arm to have two days away totally alone where I could sit in my silence and just really think and recharge myself. I would sleep and not be woken up by my kids (seriously...will they ever consistently sleep through the night, every night??) or my hubby. I would write some really meaningful blogs that I've been thinking about for months. I would go for a walk alone and talk photos of something other than my kids. I would have a massage and wouldn't talk to anyone (unless they talked to me first of course). To me, this sounds like heaven on earth right now.
When I was younger I dreaded being alone, I never wanted to be. I felt lonely and scared and focused on the things in my life I wasn't happy about when I was alone, so I always wanted to be around other people to feel loved and cared for. I always felt like if I was alone I was missing out on something, or someone, or an experience of some kind. But now, now I feel different. I crave quiet alone time (in fact I'm enjoying a little bit right now as I write this) where I can just reflect on my feelings and really delve into some things that I feel are lingering for me in my life and need to be dealt with in order to move forward.
My life with my boys is very busy...and I love it...but it's also very draining to me. I don't want to give anything up because everything that I do I do because I enjoy it (except the strata, I do that because it's a part-time job that I get paid to do). I love being part of the PAC at James's school, I loved being the division manager for t-ball, and I love participating as a ball family with the boys and Jimmy with the Hit Squad. All of these things take up considerable time for me at various times of the year, but all of them are things that I want to continue doing in the long term.
But in saying that, I am feeling very run down and tired these days. I am finding that I'm not sleeping well because I've got some unresolved things hanging over me, and I feel like I need some time and space to work through them. These are all mainly good and positive things I'm talking about but definitely things I want to be able to just relax and really think about and I feel like nowadays with two very busy boys, and a very busy husband too, that this truly alone time is really hard to come by, unless it's late at night (when I'm tired) or first thing in the morning (when I'm tired and just want to drink my tea!)
This post on Facebook today was what inspired this post tonight!
I've been hearing more and more about self-care and how it isn't selfish to want some time alone, but in our family's case it's always partly a matter of money (it's expensive to leave here to get away) but also a sense on my part of feeling guilty to even ask for that time at the expense of time with my boys. I love them so much and I do enjoy my time with them, but I do also sometimes end the day feeling over touched, over talked and just generally over stimulated and just wanting a break from it all, to just be me for a little bit. I can't unwind at night and find myself laying awake thinking about things that I know I need to move on from.
As I get older I realize how much I'm changing, and the things that mattered to me 5 or 10 years ago just don't seem to matter as much. I no longer dread being alone because I know that no matter where I go and what I do I will never truly be alone. I always have my sons and my hubby who love me, and a whole bunch of amazing parents that love and support me, and siblings that are always there for me too. I know how lucky I am, and for now I'm just going to steal away these quiet moments when I can, to try and get some of the recharging that I wish I had the luxury of time and money to pull off!
So, what would your one special thing be just for yourself?
Here are some more good quotes that I've seen that I'm trying to remember these days
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