I know I'm not the only mom (or person in general) who feels that over time they've just lost who they are.
See this pretty lady here. Her life was a lot less complicated back then but she was happy and content. She still had her problems like everyone does, but she was fun to be around and connected with people in all aspects of her life. Fast forward to one and a half years later and she's gone. She's become so busy being a mom to her kids and a wife to her husband that she forgot who she was and what made her happy. She is just like so many other moms out there who have changed so much that she sometimes loses sight of the person she used to be. She longs to be that same person again and connect how she used to, but realizes that the choices she's made in her life have brought her to this point. She feels really sad, negative, lonely and angry at times and wants to connect with people, but isn't sure how to all the time. She is able to put on a happy face when she needs to, but inside she's having a hard time some days keeping it together. She is able to hide her feelings from those around her but is absolutely exhausted at the end of every day from trying so hard to be everything for everyone. She struggles to reach out and ask for help and honestly isn't even sure what help she needs to feel better and more whole again. She decided to start by writing this blog post.
Anyone who has children knows how much it changes your life. When the photo above was taken I was around 20 weeks pregnant with Kennedy and had just found out about the complications in my pregnancy. I was happy and excited for the new life coming into our family and I was hopeful that we would handle it like pros and life would move on as it had been so far. I was wrong, very very wrong. The rest of my pregnancy was filled with uncertainty and worry about my health and the way that our baby girl would enter the world. It was a sad and extremely difficult time for me that I wish I could describe better but I can't. I just know that it changed me in many ways forever. It brought to light to me how precious life is and how having a support system is very important in your life, even if sometimes you don't agree with that support. We were lucky to make it through her delivery with both of us alive and we welcomed our sweet little baby girl and our family was finally complete. Of course the newborn months were hard and we struggled through nursing and managing to keep all 3 kids alive, but we did it. We had an awesome summer camping with our friends and I figured everything would just keep going onwards and upwards. Again, I was wrong. Then the toddler years started and let me be honest with you about the reality of how overwhelmed I am and the areas of my life it's impacted.
I am a strong woman who was raised by an equally strong woman. I was wholly unprepared for how busy and stubborn my daughter would be and how relentlessly hard it would feel on me emotionally and physically to deal with that. As I've gotten older I cherish peace and quiet in my life like I never used to. I used to want to be around people all the time and I thrived on talking and interacting. Now, I find myself retreating and wanting the peace and quiet. Our house is very loud and very busy all the time. We are constantly running in 10 different directions and while I love my kids being involved, it's very hard too. Jim's job change last spring and new shift schedule threw a huge wrench into our lives that I in particular have found really hard to navigate. In years past he worked away in camp before and was only home for full days at a time which was actually easier than now when he's home for some part of every day, but that part of the day changes every week. I am super grateful though for the amazing job that he has that has allowed me to work part-time which I feel has been a good balance since returning to work in the spring. I have no idea how I would have coped if I had returned to work full-time!
I've always been one to have lots of acquaintances in my life, but not a ton of super close friends. I have bunch of friends who we always say that we need to get together, but life is so busy for everyone that it just rarely happens. I'm in this weird place in my life right now too where none of my friends families are in the same stage as we are with a toddler so it's hard for us to do the same things with them that they can do with other friends. I knew that going in to having another baby but I guess I didn't realize how hard that would feel in the process of waiting for her to catch up a bit to the bigger kids where we will again have the freedom to do the same things as our friends can now. It's hard to feel so out of place sometimes and it's contributed to the feelings of losing myself and my place in my group of friends.
I have always leaned heavily on my parents to be my support system and have gone to them for many things over the years. Sometimes I lean too heavily but I always make sure to tell them how much I appreciate them and their support. We certainly don't always see eye to eye on everything and I'm learning as I get older that they aren't perfect. I was that person that thought then (and still now) that my parents hung the moon. They were always there for me in a loving and firm way through the teenage and young adult years. Over the years we've had some battles when it comes to what they believe is right and what I believe is right. I've come to realize over the years that their opinion isn't always the right one for me and how I'm choosing to raise my kids and I have to be okay to tell them that and I have to hope that they respect me enough to be okay hearing that too. I always say how I respect so much the job that my mom and dad did in raising me and I value my mom's opinion very highly, but that I also have to find my own path to raising my kids, and hope that when they grow up that they love me in the same fierce way that I love her. I'm not going to do a perfect job and I know that, but I am doing the very best I can for my kids and I hope they are as proud to be my kids as I am to be her kid.
Going back to being able to connect with people. This is a strange one for me that still surprises me to this day. I always felt like I was an extrovert that would always be able to connect with people, whether with a laugh or a heart to heart chat about life. Now that I'm so far into my life and my own struggles I find myself having a really hard time connecting with people, and especially with those closest to me. I often feel misunderstood and that people just don't quite get me anymore. I feel like a burden for my sadness and the chaos that my circus of a life brings to those around me. I feel like I'm more trouble than I'm worth sometimes. I worry that people don't want us around because we are loud and crazy (although lots of fun too I think!) and it weighs heavily on me. I think most people have a deep seeded desire to be liked and I'm absolutely no different. I crave peace and quiet but I still love nothing more than sitting down with a cup of a tea and a good friend and just bullshitting about life and motherhood. I wish I had the time to do that more often. And I wish I had the guts to reach out and tell people that's what I need.
I miss the quieter life we had with just the boys, but hear me when I say this, I do not regret having my daughter. I'm sad that our life is so much more challenging now with 3 kids but I knew what I was signing up for when I decided to have another child. She brings me such happiness and laughter, but also right now so much frustration. The toddler years are so tough and I didn't forget that, but I also never had a toddler like her before either. She is by far my busiest one and she tests the boundaries so hard already...at not even 16 months old! She is so incredibly bright and I look forward to seeing who she becomes, and I hope that one day she loves me like I love my mama. I truly believe she is probably going to teach me the most about being a mother and how to move forward with my life.
I do know that this stage of my life won't last forever, and I'm grateful for that. I know one day I will look back on these days and remember mainly the good instead of the bad that I'm feeling right now. I'm hopeful that the feelings of being completely overwhelmed by my life will pass as my kids get older and need me less and less and they will be replaced with fears about whether I'm doing a good job in raising them to be really great human beings that will contribute to this world in a meaningful way. I think those are really normal fears that all parents have as their kids get older.
Why is self-care so hard to do this days? I feel like if I had even just a few hours a week to myself to do what made me most happy I would be able to recharge my batteries and be a better mother and wife for my family. And I don't mean after the kids are in bed because that's not truly alone time because you're still responsible for the little humans that are maybe going to stay asleep! Plus that's when housework and laundry and other stuff gets done, that's not truly self care me time.
I escaped our family camping trip and came home to have a good sleep and get some rest and the much needed peace and quiet that I'm craving. It's been amazing and exactly what I needed. I'm going back feeling more rested and more ready to tackle the trying toddler days ahead!
I hesitated in writing this blog for fear that I would be judged for putting it out there so honestly and openly that I am overwhelmed by my life and am struggling with this phase that I'm in. I've had comments in the past by people close to me that feel that I share too much on here, but as I always say, I don't write this blog for the people that read it, I write it for me. I wish more people felt comfortable enough to share how they really feel rather than putting on the face of happiness when really they're not. I've done that for a long time too so I know why people do it. I just wish it was easier for people to talk about mental health and how important it is.
So with an open heart and a trusting soul I decided to write the blog and publish it anyways. I'm taking a leap in sharing some of my most private thoughts and feelings and I feel better, even if some people won't understand why I did it. I'm not doing it for sympathy or words of encouragement and praise, I'm doing it so I can look back years from now and remember the struggles. And if I am able to help anyone else that is feeling the same way and maybe just doesn't know how to say it, then that's a total bonus for me. I hope that years from now I can look back at this post and be so proud of myself and how I climbed myself out of this dark valley of my life back to the peaks of another year.
To anyone else that is feeling the same as I am...know that you are not alone! I am here struggling right along with you in the deep trenches of motherhood! Whether you are a mother of toddlers or teens I think we all struggle in our own ways.
