What my two little J's have taught me

First and foremost James taught me the most important lesson I will ever learn and that was how to BE a mother and how to love another human being more than I loved myself. I had always been pretty selfish before he came along and I found after he was born that I no longer thought about myself, only how I could be a better person for him. I wanted him to know he was loved and taken care of, yet also how to be independent and confident in who he was. I can readily admit that when he was born I felt like he was a total stranger and it took me a few days to really feel myself falling in love with him. It was a huge transition in my life and in our family and at first I was very unsure if I had made the right decision. Within a few months I became comfortable and confident and even though there have certainly been rough times with him, I have loved raising him and watching him become this amazingly adaptable, creative, thoughtful, imaginative, funny little creature. He makes me smile even when I'm cranky and he has taught me to slow down, put down the computer and spend that time with him. I will never turn down the opportunity to read to him and I am proud of the love he has for reading and make believe stories. I love singing to him and I'll never forget the first time I realized he could sing his bedtime lullabies with me. I had no idea how smart kids could be and how fast of learners too. As he grows up day by day I grow more and more proud of the kid he is becoming and I look forward to seeing him grow into a young man.

Jordan's birth brought about a whole new emotion for me as a mother. If James taught me how to be a mother then Jordan has really taught me how to LOVE being a mother. I think with James I often rushed through the stages because I always knew there would be another child down the road. I am swearing to never make that mistake again, because I don't know if there will be any more babies for our family.  When Jordan was born it was a completely different experience for me. Maybe it was because I knew the love that I would grow to have for my child but I can again easily admit that I fell in love with Jordan wholeheartedly from the moment I laid eyes on him. After I had my little cry on the operating table and they brought him to me, I touched his face and he stopped crying and looked right at me. In that moment I knew I loved him and it didn't matter one single bit that he wasn't the little girl that I had been hoping and dreaming for. I had no idea the depth of love that I could feel for a child so immediately. It was exactly what people had told me that having children was like, and couldn't have been further from what happened when James was born. Since Jordan's birth less than 4 months ago I have felt such a calm in my life in my role as these boys mommy and adjusting my life to accommodate the needs of both boys, instead of just the life we had before he was born. I find myself feeling stretched sometimes, but so full of love at the same time that I just want to burst. I look in Jordan's face and I see my loving husband staring back at me and I couldn't be happier. He is definitely a mini Jimmy right now and his smiles, giggles and laughs just light up my life every single day. I make the effort to snuggle, hug and interact with him while also allowing him the opportunity to be alone and learn how to be independent so he will gain that confidence that his big brother has in knowing he can do things without needing me to always be there.

Watching my boys together has taught me how important it is to really encourage and foster that sibling relationship. I'm so glad they will always have each other and I hope they will always remember that and be each other's best friends both growing up and in their adult lives as well. The love that they share already is amazing. James loves to hold Jordan and kiss and hug him. He loves to feed him and help me with burping him. As soon as Jordan wakes up James is the first one to tell me he's awake and needs me. Jordan is absolutely enchanted by James and his eyes follow him when he moves or talks. I can tell already that they will be great playmates in the years to come. My boys have also taught me about my capacity to love and I know that although I would love to have more babies one day, I'm not quite sure yet what the future holds in that regard. Only time will tell whether we end up with more children or if our family is complete now with our two little princes.