This man right here is so good to me and signifies to me what true unconditional love looks like. Here he is alone spending quality time hiking up Valentine Mountain with our little humans, because I just couldn't do it that day. I couldn't be a good parent, or wife, or daughter, or friend. I was feeling just done and needed a break.
The past few weeks have been really hard for me, mentally and emotionally. After the high of 2020 (even despite the crazy Covid world, truly it was an awesome all around year for the Barrows family), I wasn't sure how 2021 would go for us. Could we get lucky enough to have back to back awesome years? I knew it wasn't likely and around the end of the first week of the year I realized that 2021 was coming in like a bit of a wrecking ball. Jim was being laid off from work and my 40th birthday was fast approaching. I just felt really scared, anxious and sad about how the next few months will be for our family. Those 10 days of uneasiness and sadness just kind of culminated last weekend into a really rough few days in my world.
I woke up on Saturday feeling not great and ended up having a largely very unproductive day. An upsetting conversation resulted in a long and sad day for me. One of those where you just kinda survive the day and struggle to get to the kids bedtime without killing someone or breaking into tears too often that the kids start to worry.
Sunday morning came and both Jim and I realized quickly that I was really struggling to keep my shit together and put on any sort of happy face for my little people. I hadn't slept well at all and I could sense I was really out of sorts. Jim is very perceptive and has become very present and aware when these kinds of days happen and has showed up for me in emotionally big ways in the past year. We've talked a lot in the past few months about my mental health and how he can best support me when and how I need him to. On this day he knew I wasn't doing well and offered to take the kids out for a few hours to give me space to get some stuff done. I'd like to say I tried to do something, but I just couldn't. Instead I literally sat and cried, tears of emotional pain and frustration and a total sense of failure that I couldn't just suck it up and climb the damn mountain with my family. I knew I should be there with them, but I also just knew I couldn't do it in a meaningful and authentic way either so everyone was better off that I didn't go.
I gave myself some time to cry and just be in my thoughts, then I got my butt up and went for a long walk around the neighborhood. I got home just as Jim and the kids were and I'd love to say that I pulled my shit together and did something with the kids, but in reality I didn't. Jim dropped them at home where they all went onto their tablets and then he went to the grocery store. And you know what I did? I crawled into bed and napped a bit and cried a bit and felt guilty a lot. I felt guilty for being upset and for not being a good partner and teammate for Jim. He however, did absolutely nothing but make me feel loved and taken care of. He never once made me feel guilty for just not being able to do it. He told me to do whatever I needed to do to make myself feel better and get through the day. He said it even knowing that he would then shoulder the load of our family alone for the day. He has really learned how to help me be me and accepts my faults as gracefully as he can. There has been a lot of growing and loving in the past year and I couldn't be prouder of how far we have come together.
We have both learned that by being supportive and kind instead of resentful and hurtful that the other person wants to try harder to be the person the other one needs. That night, after spending my many hours alone and not being made to feel guilty in the least for doing so, it made me WANT to get up and have dinner and family time with him and the kids. It made me feel heard and loved and respected and that my needs were being recognized and met, which in turn made me want to do the same.
Not only did he shoulder the load of the kids and laundry and chores, etc, he also cooked us all our favorite meal that night too. I got up out of bed just as the kids steaks were coming off the BBQ.
*Not pictured here was when my sweet hubby got up to dance to a sappy song with me in the kitchen when I asked him to*
In looking at our amazing 2020, the biggest positive I think about is how there has been a huge shift for us in our communication and in how we relate to each other. I can say without a doubt that I am more in love with Jim now than I have ever been. We are in sync in ways we haven't been since before we had kids and we are both making the time and effort to strengthen our relationship again.
We've joked that our 30's were all spent raising babies and young toddlers. The whole decade was having kids under the age of 4! It's been exhausting physically and mentally. Some of those years we barely survived and spent times not liking each other very much, and some of those years we were great and made tons of fun memories together. Through ALL of those years though I am proud that our biggest strength was continuing to grow into our roles as parenting teammates. All too often we worked at that but that also meant that neither of us really had the energy left to put our relationship first. I think this is a very common thing for couples going through these years with young kids. And also a huge contributing factor to divorce too. It takes work to be happily married and you have to both have the energy to make it a priority.
We are moving forward into our 40's committed that now that our kids are a bit older and more independent that we are going to make time for our relationship. We hope for date "hours" (committing to nights makes it feel daunting), laughing as much as we can, talking more, connecting over our shared love of crib, and really just remembering to be each other's best friends. Oh and also surviving 2 boys through their teenaged years. We are really hoping that by the time we hit our 50's we maybe will be ready to tackle the teenage girl years (I hear from reliable sources that they can be ROUGH!) We figure we will have been together almost 30 years by then!
Every day I hope that Kennedy finds someone who will love her like her Daddy loves me. Being unconditionally loved by someone and in turn loving them the same way is truly the most rewarding part of growing older. I feel lucky every single day for finding my forever love.
