I found myself apologizing to my boys and it was a very powerful moment for me

I'm posting this photo because when I see it, it makes me think of a moment on our vacation to Texada that I want to share about here so I never forget about it. 

A few days after this photo was taken I was on the beach again sitting just like this but without my phone, just playing in the sand with my kids surrounding me. We were laughing and I was loving our time together. We had spent time running in the water and splashing around and then we had settled on the beach and they were burying me in the sand. 

We were talking about how much fun we were having while on vacation and it was then that I had a huge AHA moment where I looked at my boys and said....

"I'm sorry that I wasn't this mom when you guys were Kennedy's age"

It hit me like a ton of bricks in that moment, that when they were little I almost NEVER put on a bathing suit and went to the beach with them. Of course I did other stuff with them like going to playgrounds and baseball tournaments, but I never remember ever being with them like THIS. I told them that I wished that I had been a better mom to them and been able and willing to make myself uncomfortable to give them a better childhood.

You see, back then, I was the mom that just took all the photos instead of actually PLAYING with my kids. I was in my own head about what I looked like and felt like and was just never comfortable in my skin. We never walked anywhere just for fun, we didn't hike or ride bikes or go on adventures. We sat in our house and played board games and watched movies. I was overweight and really out of shape and any physical activity made my uncomfortable. My skin would itch and I would be out of breath really quickly and it embarrassed me horribly. 

That moment on the beach was so very heartwarming for a few reasons. The best for me as a mom was that both James and Jordan took in what I said and then looked at me with so much love and compassion and said "it's okay Mom" and I know in my heart that they can see the new me for who I am now. They are experiencing the new mom in other ways than just playing at the beach. I know they see the changes I've made in the past 4 years and I know they appreciate the more active mom that I am now. We regularly go on walks together, we ride bikes when we're camping, we paddleboard, we swim (another thing I only ever did at the pool a few times a year), we hike to waterfalls and explore new trails whenever we can. 

Here we are on one of our hikes along the nature trail at Shelter Point! 

The second reason that the moment mattered so much is that it opened up a conversation between all of us about being active and doing our best at everything in life. I felt like in that moment Kennedy really connected with me and got a sense as to how lucky she was to be getting the mom that she has. We talked about the past and the future and all the amazing ways that we can be active and spend time as a family. But the best part was a few weeks later we were somewhere (maybe a family dinner?) and I heard her relaying the story to someone about how mommy had apologized to the boys for not being the mom that I am to her now. It meant the world to me that I knew that she really got what that conversation on the beach that day was all about. 

My goal in being her mom is no different than being the boy's mom, but I just view it a bit differently. My role for all 3 of them feels so different on any given day. I parent them all so similarly and so differently too. They all need different things from me and I really try very hard to give them all that they need, even if some days it leaves me feeling so completely overstimulated, over touched and with very little patience for them or time for me.

This year I've forced myself to put on the bikini and just roll with it. I never want my girlie to be ashamed of her body the way that I have been, so I'm showing her that women at ANY SIZE can and SHOULD wear the bikini. There are still many ways that I would like to change my body and work at being fitter and stronger, but there is no sense or comfort in covering it up until that day comes. I am trying hard to love the body that I see in the mirror for all that it has given me. I don't love it all every day, but I sure do try to show up in this world as the best person that I can be, on the inside and the outside.   

I'm not proud of every word I say or action I do with my kids (I know I screw up plenty) but in the whole general sense of my life, I feel like I'm doing a pretty damn good job with these tiny humans of mine. They are all friendly and funny and overall kind human beings. The one thing I try to remember to tell them every single day is to BE A GOOD HUMAN! 

I know I've worked really hard to improve myself over the past 4 years and knowing that they see it is truly all that matters. When I am done raising them, all I can hope is that they look back and know I always had their back and loved them no matter what....even if I wasn't the mom that played on the beach all those years ago.

Funny Friday ~ I couldn't wait to have a daughter to take cute pictures with....

And this is what I got...

This kid KILLS me every single day. She says the craziest things and never hesitates to give you the finger if she feels its appropriate. I'm not going to lie, I'm terrified of the teen years with this kid! Hahahahahahah

Throwback Thursday - July 27

 Every year we camp on Texada for the last week of July leading into the August long weekend. When I searched my Google photos for shots taken on July 27, you'll see that most of them have been taken there. This year we're still going the same week but we leave on Sunday the 30th because the long weekend is pushed back this year till the 7th. Seeing these photos makes me even more excited for our week of vacation camping over there. We always have such a fun week and I'm hoping this year will be the same thing! 

2022 - and maybe my favorite photo of the whole summer! 

The sunset that night after we got off the boards was just incredible! 

2021 - Beach fun! 

2020 - More beach fun! 

2019 - U9 baseball in Sechelt with James's summer travel team! 

2018 - Setting up the beer gardens at Sunset for the year end baseball tournament! 

Why does she look so grown up these days?!

Time is just going at a ridiculous speed now. Seriously, some days it feels like she's years older than she is, until she sneaks into my bed for snuggles, or asks me lay with her and sing to her every night. Then I remember that she really is still just my tiny little human, just 6 years old. She is so wise beyond her years though and I feel like I'm going to blink and these years will be gone, so I'm taking ALL the snuggles and singing all of the songs, because I KNOW that before I know it she won't want those things from me anymore.

It's true what they say, you really have to slow down and truly cherish the moments with all of your kids, but especially that last baby you'll ever have! 

Seriously...how cute is she in this photo taken last weekend at the beach in her new tankini?! 

Sneaking in a photo with her puppers!

I've never seen a kid love vegetables like this kid does! 

Just wear the bikini

I am 42 years old and I've finally done it and I'm damn proud of myself. I finally got comfortable enough with my body insecurities and put on a damn bikini! This was the year that I just decided to do it and I'm glad I did.

While I don't always love the image I see of myself in the mirror, I am content and proud of the body that I am living in. This body deals with a chronic illness that has good days and bad, it grew and birthed 3 tiny humans, had 5 open abdomen surgeries (appendectomy, bowel resection, 2 lower c-sections and 1 large belly button to pubic bone c-section/hysterectomy) and has been my comfort and support through many weight gains and losses. It is stronger than it's ever been and genuinely loves and craves physical activity.

The me of 5 years ago never would have felt that a daily walk was an important part of my routine, the me now rarely goes a day without a walk. I live a very busy life, so sometimes all I can manage in a day is 15-20 minutes, but other days I find or make the time to do an hour and I love it. I take what time I can for myself because I've realized how much of a positive impact it has had on my mental and physical health in the 2+ years that I've been walking regularly. When I think back to all of the years that I had small kids, I do wish that I'd had the motivation that I do now as I bet my body would be much healthier and fitter than it is now. But I don't live with the regret, I just live in gratefulness that I've adopted a much healthier lifestyle now than I had for all of those years. It took me till I was almost 40 to realize that I didn't want to wake up at 60 still sitting on my couch every day doing nothing! 

Whew...I took a lot of deep breaths as I added these photos and while I don't love them and could pick them apart if I tried, I'm not going to. I'm going to hit publish proudly and have these memories to look back on forever!

A true labour of love - memories of an amazing hockey season!

Around the end of the regular hockey season when it looked like James's rep team might sweep the playoffs and make it to provincials, I got it into my head that I'd like to make a photo book for him to remember this amazing hockey season!

Well...before I knew it, I was deciding to make a whole team book. Kind of like a school year book, filled with photos that the parents had taken throughout the year, as well as their individual and team photos taken by Jenn Parkin.

I am very thankful that the parents were good sports with sending me photos and I am SO PROUD of how this book turned out. It was a ton of work (I would estimate maybe 60-70 hours total?) but when I look it, I truly feel in my heart like it was worth it. And seeing the kids smiles tonight when they got to sign them all and look through them....100% worth the time I put in! 

Photo memories are the best things you can invest in. They last forever, and I truly hope these kids keep these books and show their own hockey loving kids about the year they had a phenomenal season together! 

He loves the book, and that's what really matters to me!

Tonight we had most of the team over (15/17) to sign the books, play in the backyard and have some ice cream sundaes. The 2 missing kids had signed the books before tonight so all of them had all 17 signatures in them!

They signed the books, then we fed them ice cream sundaes, then they destroyed our back yard a bit playing and jumping, then we let them look through their books just as they were starting to leave. I love seeing these photos of them all flipping through them together. I also loved hearing them commenting on the photos and remembering funny stories from the season...it was exactly what I was hoping for!

Now...here are a bunch of my favorite pages from the book. I mainly want to put them here so that when James moves out, I'll always have some photos of what the book looked like. They may be kind of fuzzy because they are essentially screenshots of the online PDF of the book. If you want to see the PDF of the whole book, let me know and I can email it to you to look at :) 

Here are around 60 pages of the 109 in the book!

Here is James's individual page! 

A record of every game they played together this season! A whole lot of wins in there :) 

Team stats - this was probably one of the most time consuming part of the book, but I loved it! 

What I love about this Just for Fun page...That photo was taken seconds before the puck dropped on their first game together. I remember being SO nervous and so excited for James and I remember tearing up watching him starting that game. It brings chills to me to think about it. And fun fact...that was the score of that first game too...13-0!

This was such a fun tournament weekend together! 

Nothing like a team mom dressing up as a mascot to cheer on the team - she's the best! 

Another incredible tournament weekend - but this one at HOME! 

That Santa photo makes me smile! And remembering the massive Christmas party we threw with close to 90 people there. So much fun! 

This was a huge game at home for our kids - and a huge win too!

These signs were a huge highlight for all of us! 

Time for Provincials now! Lots of pages in the book from this week we all spent together, but not a lot shared on here. Just imagine lots of hockey action shots :) 

The mix of disappointment at not playing for gold....with the total excitement of playing for bronze, made for a really exciting final game together as a TEAM! 

Seriously a parenting moment that I will NEVER FORGET! Watching your child excel at something like James did out there during the provincial games, is a pride that I have never felt before. It was amazing and one that I will always cherish. We were so fortunate that we were both able to get the time off work to travel there together and not miss a single minute of the excitement of it all! 

A bunch of us decided to rent a box suite for the Canucks game on the same night as our bronze game! It was a very long day for everyone, but totally worth it. Truly an experience my kids will never forget. Again, family memories to last a lifetime are always worth the time and money you spend! 

Post season recognition!

And of course one last PARTY together! 

As we say goodbye to this team as James moves up to U15 next year, I'm left with feelings of happiness at how his year went, and trepidation of what next year holds for him. He will try out for the rep team again and of course he hopes he'll make it, but I'm not sure my mama heart is really ready for contact hockey just yet. Update to come in September whether he makes the rep team again or goes back to playing house hockey! Truly as a family, as long as he's happy then I'll support him in whatever happens!